I Heard it Downtown

Okay, so I skipped yesterday. Apparently, every group that actually pays me to write needed an article on friday, and after pumping out three of them, I didn’t want to write anymore.

But thats just as well, because the next item is more fitting for today. I woke up this morning (er, I guess afternoon), and saw the cold hard reality of winter staring me right in the face. It was snowing outside…and not that wussy white dusting thats barely enough to stick to your windshield. This was 100%, legit snow…snow that sticks to the ground and makes you fall on your butt walking on the sidewalk. Serious snow.

Snow is a menace to society. It, along with its partner in crime, The Cold, brings sorrow, the flu, and running noses to all it touches. It renders our roads nearly useless, trapping us in our apartments (I never understood this…it snows every year in Columbus, but our city service people act like its a mysterious act of God every winter. OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THIS WHITE STUFF THE FOUR HORSEMEN ARE COMING. No. Its just snow. Have the freakin’ plows ready people).

Its times like these when I just want to curl up on my tiny couch with a cup of hot chocolate (hopefully full of marshmallows), in front of a roaring fire in the ol’ fireplace…and wait for spring.

But wait. My apartment doesn’t have a fireplace. The closest thing I have is to turn my range top on “HIGH”, and try to warm my hands by cooking some ramen. It just isn’t the same.

So, for the 4th item on my Christmas Wish List, I suggest this: http://tinyurl.com/56zhub.

Yeah. Thats a flamethrower.

I feel like with some creative engineering, a flamethrower could be used as a makeshift fireplace in a pinch. Actually, the flamethrower could be used to address the larger problems of Snow and Cold. I’d just fire that bad boy up and blast both of them back to Alaska. Snow covering up my staircase? FWOOOOM. Sidewalk icy? FHOOOOOM. My hot chocolate getting a little lukewarm? FHOOOOOM. Man, if I could just get that jet pack too, I could single handily end winter in Columbus. Plus, I’m pretty sure the carbon footprint of this whole operation is enough to cause some global warming here. ITS A WIN WIN.

Plus, I’m pretty sure I blow this annoying guy away for good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mw-1ehsuJM