I Heard it Downtown

Dear Santa,

Hows it going big guy? I know, I know, I haven’t written to you in a while. There was a rumor going around that you aren’t actually real, and I gotta admit, my faith faltered a little bit. I dunno, maybe there just seems to be a little more Christmas spirit going around this year, or maybe I’m still hopped up on residual Obama HOPES AND DREAMs…whatever the reason, I figured I ought to drop you a line this year.

I hear the economy has been rough on the ol’ North Pole. Your factory isn’t going to get foreclosed right? You hang on for just a few more years big guy, and I promise, when I pass the bar, I’ll take care of you, free of charge. Hey, I haven’t forgotten that Sega Genesis you got for me years ago. Best days of my 4th grade life right there.

Speaking of lawyers, I’m going to claim I’ve been “nice”, but I think i’ll be wise for us to discuss the specifics there in private (or maybe with my attorney). Not that I think that will be necessary or anything…but my mom has the internet now, and she prob. reads these things. I’m sure you understand.

I’ll be level with you, that stuff I’ve been writing about for the last week? Those were jokes… I already got just about everything I wanted for Christmas a few weeks ahead of time. My guy won the presidential election. I have a new job that allows to work in a cause that I’m passionate about. I have a beautiful girlfriend. It would be pretty cheeky to actually, you know…ask for more stuff right?

But thats what these letters are all about I guess. File this one under low priority…but if you a get a second, if you could take care of some of these….it would be awesome.

1) Maybe you could use some of your Christmas Magic to make the COTA buses run on time. I know, when the bus says it’ll be here at 12:37, and it rolls up at 12:43, thats not a huge difference…but thats 6 more min that I have to spend in agony in the freezing cold. You’ve seen me before right? You know I don’t shiver in the cold…I practically have epileptic convulsions. Its not pretty. Don’t leave me out to dry there waiting for the #4 any longer than I have to.

2) Somewhere out there, there is a kid begging for a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas, but his mom won’t let him…something about poking an eye out. Santa is for giving the gifts mommy and daddy wont’t let us have. Give the kid the gun. It’ll make his year.

3) If you can’t convince Lebron James that he really wants to stay in Cleveland in 2010, then use some Christmas Magic, and help the Cleveland Cavs win the NBA title this season. Have you been reading the newspapers lately? The industrial midwest is wilting away before our eyes…and Cleveland sports have already been cursed at a level not seen since the Old Testament. We know real economic help isn’t coming soon…so a welcome, basketball-related diversion would do wonders for our saddened spirits.

4) You know how when you forget to buy groceries for a while, and you keep compulsively opening up your fridge door, hoping that some Grocery Fairy came and left you some food? Could you maybe make that actually happen, just once?

5) Socks. I’m not talking bulletproof socks, or jet-powered socks…just regular ol’ socks. Maybe some white socks, some black socks, whatever. I know, its proof that I’m getting old and lame Santa, but my socks seem to vanish on the route back from the washing machine at an alarming clip, and its critical to have your feet warm in the winter. The Christmas that I ask for socks instead of say, an Xbox means I’m officially grown up I think.

Honestly, thats all I can think of. If you stop by the apartment this Christmas, be sure to park your sled on 20th ave, and not in my lot. Sorry, my landlord is kind of a douchebag, and unless you have the right parking pass, he will tow it. I don’t think I have any cookies and milk for you, but there might be some rum in the freezer, and you can help yourself to some of that. I know, you’ve got a long trip, and you gotta stay warm. Its not like I’M going to drink it.

Also…yeah. If you have any extra jetpacks…maybe I wasn’t kidding about everything

Give my best to the Mrs, and have a wonderful Christmas

Your friend

Matt

And with that, I’m off to the Igloo. Have a merry Christmas everybody.