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I want to like Sotomayor, but not just because she looks like my mom May 27, 2009

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Football season may be several months, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be some serious hard hitting in Washington over the next few weeks.

(I have to use a football metaphor because the Washington Nationals haven’t hit anything hard since they were playing in Canada)

Obama unveiled his pick to fill David Souter’s spot on the Supreme Court this morning, selecting US Federal Judge Sonia Sotomayor. Activists on the far right and far left immediately began to fire themselves up for an expensive, protracted battle. Ever since Robert Bork, supreme court confirmations have turned into political battles whose cost rival that of actual elections, and whose questioning that of Guantanamo Bay, minus the waterboarding.

No, actually, there will be waterboarding this time.

Anyway, on paper, you would think that this process should be fairly easy. Sotomayor is replacing another “liberal” justice, and doesn’t appear to be ideologically out of bounds. She has extensive judicial experience , graduated second at Princeton and went to Yale Law, so her qualifications shouldn’t be called into question. When you consider the fact that the Democrats have a zillion votes in the Senate, you would hope that this process should go by quickly.

(The only real allegation that has turned up so far is the idea that Sotomayor may not be as smart as the other justices. Even if thats true, is being “the least smart justice” that big of a deal? Thats like being the worst guy on the NBA All-Star team. Sure, you might not be Lebron James, but I’d still want Danny Granger on my team).

A few rouge Republicans might threaten a fillibuster, but if Harry Reid was smart, he would walk right up to Senator Sessions, hand him a phone book, and say “knock yourself out.”

Maybe Sessions can return the favor. If they’re both knocked out, the hearings go by quicker.

Whether that actually happens is unlikely, given the huge amount of money in the cottage industry of judicial appointments. We’ll prob get C-Span interrogations later in the summer/fall, which could make for semi-compelling television if you’re into that sort of thing. At any rate, you would think that getting a qualified, liberal justice would make somebody like happy, especially since Sotomayor happens to be Hispanic.

However, this process is raising all sorts of uncomfortable questions with me, that I think are a lot more important than the stupid crap Sotomayor will be grilled about on TV. I’m a little worried about the role of naked identity politics.

Sotomayor is certainly not stupid, and is certainly qualified to hold the job on her own merits…but you don’t have to be a Washington press wizard to know the most compelling reason for her selection….her “demographic appeal” as a woman and a hispanic.

I like the pick, I really do…but if you’re looking for a liberal intellectual heavyweight to do battle with Roberts and Scalia, there were better options, like Kagan or Wood (or I dunno, Posner). However, they weren’t as viable for political reasons…Sotomayor’s story and demographics basically making her invincible at confirmation.

The GOP is trying (or at least should be trying) to make inroads with the nation’s rapidly growing hispanic population. Can you imagine the terrible PR of white males in southern accents ripping her a new one? It would be a disaster, albeit compelling television if you’re into Schadenfreude. Obama isn’t stupid, thats why he made the pick.

And this bothers me a little bit, because I think it cheapens the professional accomplishments of Sotomayor, or minorities everywhere. It would be terrible for anybody to refer to her as some sort of AA justice, given her impressive resume, but by making such a naked play towards identity politics, you open that ugly door.

Its tricky though, because liking somebody because they look like you may not necessarily be bad. Studies have shown that having demographically similar role models can actually help minority groups feel more involved and connected to their society….even for highly educated people. I would consider myself highly knowledgeable about politics and whatnot, but i have to admit, I felt a little twinge of pride about Harry Reid…he shows that Mormon Democrats do exist.

Course, that pride tends to disappear when I remember that Reid has been a pretty crappy leader in the senate….but ya’ll dig right?

So its a tricky path. I like the pick, but I’m a little uncomfortable with the whole process, even though I think its important to help disadvantaged groups. I like Sotomayor, but I don’t want to like her because she looks like my mom.

But I doubt thats the kind of conversation we have in a few months though. It makes bad television.

Kinda like the Washington Nationals.

Party Poopers April 29, 2009

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So I meant to write this yesterday, but I was pretty looped up on drugs. Not hallucinogenics or anything, just plain ol’ off the counter cold meds. I’ve been battling a mild cold ( or, as a co-worker assumed, Swine Flu. Look. Not every latin guy who sneezes is carrying the swine flu), and I thought I could go save a few bucks by getting the Kroger brand cold meds instead of the label. Turns out, Kroger Cold Medicine is a concoction of tryptophan and elephant tranquilizers. I was NOT qualified to operate heavy machinery. Hell, I wasn’t qualified to operate a stapler (This is why I need an intern at work).

I took a quick break from work to scan some headlines, in a futile attempt to remain conscious. Thats when I stumbled upon the big political bombshell…Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania announced he was leaving the Republican Party, and switching to the Democrats, giving the D’s a filibuster-proof 60 seat majority. Or at least, they will once Norm Coleman runs out of continues and gives up his legal challenge.

So I tried to do some serious, Hunter S.Thompson style gonzo journalism, and type something up while loopy on whatever Kroger moonshine I had ingested. No luck. No scathing insights arrived in my head. I just wanted to sleep. No, I wanted to HIBERNATE. When the going gets weird, the weird go pro I guess….and I should leave that stuff to the pros.

So maybe sobriety will deliver some insight.

First, one thing needs to be made clear before we can dig deep into the analysis. Arlen Specter left the Republican party because he was about to get clownstomped by Pat Toomey in the Republican primary…not because of any high minded idealism. Polling showed Specter down 20% to Toomey, but in a general, Specter wins by double digits. If that wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Biden et all have been working on this guy for years, and Specter even said a few months ago he wasn’t interested in switching parties.

Now, is that a bad thing? We might look at Specter and call him a cold, calculating, spineless Politician, and maybe thats true….but clearly the people of Pennsylvania see something in him, because they have reelected him so many times, and given the opportunity, will prob do so again. Many Republicans feel betrayed by the switch (and I guess I can understand why. I would have been a little upset when Ben Nighthorse Cambell switched to the Republicans…or I would have been, if I wasn’t 6)…does Specter have an obligation to them, or just his constituents, the people of the Keystone state? While I think its kind of a jerk move to announce this just a few weeks after the RNC says they’ll support him over Toomey, I think its hard to argue that Specter doesn’t have the right to do this.

I don’t know too much about Pennsylvania. Off the top of my head, here is a brief list I came up with:
1) No matter where you are driving, you will be stuck in Pennsylvania for about 4 hours.
2) Penn State’s football coach once pooped his pants on the sidelines
3) The state’s demographics are rapidly changing. Over 200,000 voters switched their registration to the democrats.

All of those are true. Look ‘em up. The 3rd one I think speaks to the bigger issue that I’ve alluded to in a couple of these notes.

When Toomey wins by 20% in the GOP primary, but loses by 10% in the general to the same guy, you have a problem. When you lose 200,000 people in the voter rolls, you have a problem. When people are openly betting on when Oympia Snowe jumps ship with Spector, you have a problem. Letting your party be hijacked by radical activists at the expense of people who are actually electable is a problem. Not just for Republicans, but for anybody who likes good government.

I’m personally okay with Specter being a Dem, because a Democrat Specter is likely to vote the way that I would personally vote…as a somewhat conservative Democrat. When we’re looking at 60 (and after 2010, 60+) Dems in the senate, I start to worry a little bit…because then there is no check on bad ideas. Even though those 60 Democrats run across a very large political spectrum (from Ben Nelson, who is practically a Republican, to Sanders, who is a European Socialist), letting one group amass that kind of power typically leads to a circular firing squad, wasted money, and bad ideas. We need a loyal opposition that is capable of actually being a coherent opposition…not this mess.

Right now, I guess Specter is being a bit of a Party Pooper. You have to wonder if others will follow suit, or if the guys in charge will finally get the message. Anybody can see the dangers of prolonged one party domination.

Even if you’re hopped up on cold meds.

Poems are one of the good things about America April 12, 2009

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Easter weekend typically means a mass exodus from campus. By the time I awoke this morning, my roommate, most of my friends, and my girlfriend were all out of town…and my family was still very much scattered across the country. It looked like I was going to be in charge of my own fun tonight.

I went strolling down high street in the afternoon, and stumbled across a bookstore/coffeeshop place that I had been meaning to check out. On a lark, I walked inside, poked around for a bit, bought a book (How Soccer Explains the World for 6 bucks. I both enjoy soccer *and* the world, so I figured it was a pretty solid investment), read for a little bit on one of their comfy couches, and then decided to head back home. On my way out, I noticed a poster on the door, advertising the release party for a book called “The Good Things About America”. I had never been to any kind of poetry or prose reading event before, and my alternative plans for the evening involved drinking all the Gatoraid in my fridge and playing NBA Live 08 all night…so I decided I’d come back in a few hours and check it out.

I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive about the whole thing. Despite being a writer, I’m not really the most “literary” figure in my family (that title goes to my younger sister, who is rapidly becoming a renowned poet in Madison, Wisconsin). I write mostly political commentary, non-fiction and sportswriting. I haven’t really attempted a poem since 8th grade (I wrote a 3 page epic poem called The Great Panda Problem, detailing a group of Panda’s escape from the Zoo, and subsequent takeover of the world. It won “best poem” that year. I decided to retire at the top of my game). Am I even allowed to go to things like this?

My feelings of nervousness didn’t really go away when I first walked in to the coffeeshop. People were wearing fedoras, chuck taylors and double breasted shirts. I looked down to see what I was wearing. I had a blue t-shirt that said COLLEGE (a la Animal House), and brown flip flops. I had gotten my hair cut that day, and still had the gel in my hair. I stuck out like a white guy at Live at the Apollo. What killed me is that I actually own a fedora. I wanted to shout “No, this isn’t what it looks like. I’m really one of you people! Let me get my hat and we can talk about books!”

But was I?

The room quickly filled up, and I found myself sitting in a group of hipsters. The reading began with a few songs from a stripped down rock band. People were in the crowd were laughing and chatting with each other during the songs. I got the impression that most people here knew each other from somewhere else…somewhere else in this scene, which made me feel a little more self conscious. I vaguely entertained thoughts of leaving, but I would have had to crawl over 20 people to get to the door, and dammit, I walked all this way to hear some poems about America.

After a few songs, the band left the makeshift stage, and a tall fellow stepped up the mic. He introduced himself as the editor of the book. He told us that in his travels, he’d hear lots of poets writing about America, but usually in the context of America sucking. Our president is stupid, our foreign policy is unjust, we’re killing the planet, blah blah blah. Quite frankly, it was starting to bring him down. Sure, America has lots of problems, but why do we only have to write about the bad stuff? He called up some of his fellow poets from across the country, asked them to write about the *good* things, and published the book.

As somebody who writes about politics regularly, and also hangs out in a fairly left-leaning crowd most of the time, I think its critical to read stuff like this sometimes. Writing about politics (or even paying attention to politics) can be a major drag sometimes…people can be self-serving and corrupt….it can bring out the most banal and disappointing aspects of our personalities. It can be scary and hateful and sad and make you question why you even bother.

And then you remember…its because I Really Like America. I would even go so far as to say America kicks ass.

Many of the poets featured in the book journeyed to Columbus for the reading…some from Boston, New York, Oklahoma, and others. They talked about families, love, their hometowns,Elections and Heroes, their favorite cities, and the American Experience. My heart filled with pride.

Many of the poems (and the poets) were exceptionally witty and smart, and I found myself laughing and joking with my seatmates. I felt myself becoming a little more comfortable after every poem, after every story, and after every mutually enjoyed pun. One poet, after reading, crumpled up his manuscript into a ball, and tossed it into the crowd. Audience members fought for it like fans might jostle for a foul ball at a baseball game. I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe these are my people after all. I left the reading without any shred of self-consciousness.

The readers were far more diverse than my initial “poet” stereotype had allowed for. There was an older gentleman from southern ohio who read stories from his dark (but also oddly hilarious) book about a fictional town in Ross County. There was a woman who lived in ultra-conservative Oklahoma, whose mother kept a cardboard cutout of Barack Obama in her kitchen (after the last 8 years…I just need to see his face every morning she said. Apparently she hasn’t been able to find a cardboard Michelle yet). Folks from all over the country, from all different backgrounds and with different life experiences read and shared.

I ended up buying the book, making it the first poetry book to grace my bookshelf. I walked out of the reading feeling completely refreshed and rejuvenated. I am prob. not able to write like they can. My writing is like bread, and their poems, like an expensive wine. Its perfectly fine to write bread….after all, everybody eats bread. But Jesus was on to something when he said that man cannot live on bread alone. Sometimes you need a sip of something more complicated to refresh your pallet.

They’re in ur government, legalizin’ ur gheys April 9, 2009

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I was sitting in Wendy’s two nights ago, trying to eat my chicken sandwich in piece, but the TV was distracting me. It was turned to MSNBC, and some commentator had a few talking heads on to discuss the recent developments in Iowa and Vermont, two states that recently made gay marriage legal. The commentator breathlessly said that “now is the time for a national discussion about gay marriage”.

You know what? I agree. But to save time, I’m just going to go ahead and do all the talking. Hope thats okay with you guys.

Q: These arrogant activist judges! Who do they think they are, striking down legislation that is clearly the will of the people?
A: Uh…maybe they think they’re judges? Isn’t that the entire concept of Judicial Review? Populists might clamor that this is elitist…and they’re right. Parts of our government were established to be a check on popular sentiment. If “just being popular” is enough of a reason for laws to escape judicial review, whats the point of having a judiciary? That “judicial activism” gave us Brown v Board of Education and Baker V Carr.

Plus, if we define “judicial activism” as “the supreme court voting to overturn a ruling”, then the Conservative wing is more likely to be activist. I’d like to suggest another definition of “Activist Judges”….”When judges make a decision that I disagree with”.

Seriously. How many people who are mad at the Iowa Supreme Court are basing their arguments on their knowledge of the Constitution of Iowa?

Q: Legalizing gay marriage and civil unions will doubtless start us on a slippery slope towards legalizing polygamy, pedophilia, animal marriages, and marrying Janet Reno.
A: I beg to differ. Animals and children cannot consent, so they cannot be married. Full stop. The United States doesn’t have the legal tradition of some place like Pakistan, where marrying off 11 year olds seems to be okay (and, oddly enough, Pakistan doesn’t allow gay marriage). Gay Marriage/Civil Unions, an agreement between two, consenting adults, is not analogous to any of the other aforementioned acts.

Polygamy may involve contenting parties (maybe, some sociological research on how relationships work on polygamous compounds might beg to differ), but its pretty easy to justify denying some legal benefits to multiple parties, as it would be easy to set up “families” as tax sheltering devices. The boondoggle dividing up benefits after a polygamous divorce might be a boon to lawyers, but it would be a huge hassle for our courts as well.

Besides, take it from a Mormon, polygamy ain’t worth it. Last time we tried that, mobs kidnapped and killed our leader, drove us from our perfectly good town in Illinois, drove us across the wilderness, and forced to settle in Utah. Gross. Where would the mobs send you if you tried to be polygamous now? Alaska, to live in Sarah Palin’s kingdom? (I can see this….polygamous families welcome in Alaska, so long as every child gets an assault rife, and has a stupid name. . Hi, these are my wives Kara, Lisa and Emily…and our children; Tuscaloosa, Microwave and Battlestar Galatica)

Q: I don’t want a gay marriage.
A: I am unaware of any judicial ruling or legislative act requiring anybody to get one.

Q: Allowing Gay Marriage will threaten the institution of marriage.
A: I hear this one a lot, and I have yet to really get a satisfactoy answer from anybody, be they commentator, ecclesiastical authority, or anybody else as to exactly why that is. Lets say that we believe that Marriage is a unique institution specifically created for a Man and a Woman, and that any other union should go by a different name. Okay, lets call the other one’s civil unions, and let them have the same benefits. Is that okay?

Many who oppose GM also oppose that idea, and I’m exactly sure why. Knowing that dudes are holding hands somewhere in San Fransisco doesn’t in any way cheapen or damage the wonderful (heterosexual) relationship I have now. When I’m out with my girlfriend…I’m not thinking about gay people. Like…ever. If you are, well…I’m no Dr.Phil, but I suspect your relationship may have other issues.

Is  Marriage under attack? Sure, I believe that, but not by the gays. Divorce rates are high, and there are lots of possible culprits. Financial insecurity/worries have damaged lots of relationships. Pornography certainly has. Poor communication, infidelity, health problems….I can think of lots of things that might be contributing to marriages breaking down. *That* is a very important topic that we *should* have a national conversation about. The Nuclear Family is an institution worth defending.

But Gays? How often do you think this happens?
Honey, I know we’ve been married for 10 years, and I know we loved each other. But Iowa just legalized Gay Marriage, and I really think I should use that opportunity to take my Bro-mance with Chad to a new level. Before, it was just our weekly poker game and phone calls about fantasy baseball. Now….we can share Social Security. I just think its a better deal.

Really? I doubt it.

Q: Homosexuality is clearly a sin, and as such, we should oppose GM/CU
A: Personally, I think Theology doesn’t really enter into it. My own theological views on homosexuality are kind of moot as far as the debate over hospital visitation rights and pension sharing is concerned. My religious faith also teaches me to abstain from the consumption of alcohol and coffee, but it would be wrong to try and force that on everybody, no?

There is not a legal reason to think that allowing Civil Unions would require churches to marry gay people if they didn’t want to. Certainly, if there was, I would vigorously oppose it. Churches should have the freedom to marry/allow in whoever they want…but there is no credible reason to think that that would change. If somebody says otherwise in church, they are not speaking out of any understanding of the law.

At the end of the day, I may have my own theological belief about homosexuality, but why should that mean that gay people shouldn’t have hospital visitation rights?

Q: Thats about all I can think of.
A: Me too. Good talk.

CSPAN THE MUSICAL-Volume I February 11, 2009

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resident Obama is sitting at his desk. His tie is loosened, and he is obviously stressed

OBAMA:
My first day in office certainly wasn’t that hard
The only hiccup was Roberts inability to read from a card
but now crisis are mounting, folks are beating down my door
this certainly wasn’t the change I had hoped for.

The media is pounding me, and I can’t relax
because nobody I hired paid all their taxes.
Then the economy descended into insanity,
and my idiot press sec said I’d grab beers with Sean Hannity
Hopefully my stimulus bill can get some momentum flowing
Lemme check CSPAN and see how thats going…

Cut to: PELOSI’S OFFICE
Nancy Pelosi is meeting with her staffers, and other high level Democratic House members. They are giddily throwing around monopoly money.

PELOSI:
When we asked for children’s insurance, they laughed in our face
but now I’m in charge, and we’ll put the GOP back in it’s place
to hell with bipartisanship, they didn’t show any here
so lets load this bill up with our wishlist from the last 8 years!

Guys? What are your problems?

INTERN
In a few months, me and my girlfriend are having a baby
and we’re worried about money, since you really don’t pay me

PELOSI: 300 MILLION FOR PLANNED PARENTHOOD!!

AIDE
I’ve finally got some time off, but I don’t know what to do
since i’ve already watched everything in my Netflicks queue

PELOSI:
ANOTHER 600 MILLION FOR HOLLYWOOD!!

OTHER AIDE
Oh, I have something that requires me to vent
I hit a pothole driving to work, now my BMW has a dent!

PELOSI: (clearly drunk with power)
ELVENTY BILLION BUCKS TO BUILD NEW ROADS! Bwahaha

CUT TO: Republican Meeting

CANTOR: For 8 years we spent money like drunken fools
and hoped that nobody would notice, or read the news
now we’re hopelessly out of power, so its time to pretend
that we know anything about how to responsibly spend

BOEHNER: Let us make the most outlandish statements we can make on the floor!
Its easy to take a stand, when you don’t matter anymore!

Mike Huckabee: I sent out a letter to everybody on my mailing list
saying this bill is an abomination, and its making God pissed

Mitt Romney: I’m against this bill too! It’s certainly no fun
it gives no money at all to any company I run

Glenn Beck: LOOOOUD NOISES! I DONT KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!

(cut to: Obama, facepalming)

OBAMA: I thought my first 100 days were supposed to be a honeymoon?
If its all going to be just like this, I hope its 2012 soon….

These Aren’t Your Dads Baseball Cards January 13, 2009

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Like a lot of guys, I used to collect baseball cards when I was a kid. I had shoeboxes full of ‘em, all neatly placed in little plastic sleeves, categorized by team, waiting to be showed off or traded with some of the other neighborhood kids. My dad helped fuel my habit, but purchasing bulk packs of some of the older Topps sets from 1988 or 1989 that nobody seemed to want (which would unfortunately also contain the bubble gum from 1988. Turns out gum becomes inedible after a decade. Who woulda thought?). I dabbled in basketball and football cards, but baseball cards were always my passion. I heard rumors that they made cards for even more obscure sports, like NASCAR, but to a purist like me, that bordered on sacrilege.

So imagine my reaction when I discovered that Topps, the company that brought me so much joy as a 10 year old sports fan, is now coming out with a line of Barack Obama trading cards. http://tinyurl.com/94w83g

My first thought was that this had to be some kind of joke, like those awful commercials the NCAA puts out, with kids swapping trading cards of “Student Athletes” (A Mike Greene Rookie card? No way, the dude dominates the chemistry lab! Thanks NCAA. Thanks to your commercial, I’m convinced that you want to put the student in student athlete first. I was worried there for a second). Are politician trading cards the way of the future? Will my children open up a pack to find a Bill Clinton rookie card, which a picture of him making his first copies? Or perhaps Joe Biden, grabbing his first cup of coffee for his congressman? Perhaps they’ll be so lucky to find a rare Dick Cheney rookie card, where he’s shooting another rival intern in the head with a BB gun.

Maybe Politician trading cards will help give a spark to Fantasy Congress, a game similar to fantasy baseball, only now it’s only played by the terminally single in American University dorm rooms. (ohh snap Zach Space broke up a filibuster this week. That’s worth like 40 fantasy points). Will we have Matthew Berry breaking down the California 14th congressional district on ESPN? Is that what you want America??

This trend worries me. Look, I like Barack Obama a lot. I voted for him. I did a little campaigning for him….but even I am becoming slightly unnerved by this recent baseball card development. The guy hasn’t even been sworn it yet, and we’re already putting his face on trading cards? There aren’t a whole lot of things more American than baseball cards, and the day that we start selling packs of Politician cards right alongside them…well, that’s a little too much Change for even this political junkie.

Now the Porn industry needs a bailout? January 8, 2009

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EDITORIAL DISCLAIMER:

THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS TERRIBLE PUNS THAT DEVIATE FROM THE TYPICAL IHEARDITDOWNTOWN PG-13 AUDIENCE.  IF YOU ARE MORE MATURE THAN A 15 YEAR OLD BOY, SKIP THIS ARTICLE AND READ THE ONE MATT STRUHAR WROTE ABOUT GAZA INSTEAD.

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“Dude, pause the game for a second. You gotta see this headline”
“Wait, is this the Onion? Is this a joke?”
“No man. Its real. Porn Industry asks for 5 Billion Federal Bailout”
“Man, I kinda thought the Porn Industry was built to withstand a pounding. Why would they need a bailout?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty confused too. I kinda figured industries like porn were pretty recession-proof. People will always need something to get them through…hard times”
“Like beer and cigs huh? If those are failing, I guess we’re all pretty screwed.”

“yeah. What do you think though? Should we help ‘em out? The Porn industry might be too big to fail”
“You may be right. Think of all the jobs that might be lost!”
“I have to wonder if maybe this approach was too direct.”
“Are you suggesting they should have attempted some sort of reach around?”
“Maybe. Maybe they’re just being too anal about this whole thing.”
“On the other hand, can you really trust them with that much money? They might steal it all and pull out early”
“haha, these aren’t your father’s puns. These are PornoPuns!”
“Actually, these are exactly the kind of puns my dad would have made.”

“On a serious note here, why on earth would the porno industry need 5 billion dollars? I’m thinking here, and I can’t envision any kind of expense that would justify that. People don’t see adult movies for the CGI graphics and expansive scenery right?”
“I doubt it. You don’t really need to pay for top-flight writing talent here either I imagine. Where in their business model would you need 5 billion bucks? I mean, besides Joe Francis’ legal defense fund? Larry Flynt’s Viagra?”
“I’m going to do some research”
“Not on my computer you’re not!”

“I’m pretty sure Flynt and Francis were kidding about this whole thing right? I mean, I’m not really an expert on this sort of thing, but I’m pretty sure Francis is a felon. These people aren’t really model citizens”
“Yeah, thats all true, but when you compare it to other recent government expenditures, is it really that crazy anymore? I’d rather take my chances with a pervert like Francis than forking over more billions to AIG and Co. without any accountability.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Mindless self-gratification without any regard to possible consequences. Maybe Porn and Congress aren’t so different after all. They deserve this.”
“Yeah, its not like they aren’t both full of asses.”

Post Election Hangovers December 8, 2008

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If you enjoyed the last few entries, you’ll prob like this article I wrote for The Lantern. Check it out today
http://tinyurl.com/6ntdtj

Starting in Jan, I should be running a weekly feature there.

Traveshammockeries in Nashville October 8, 2008

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I wasn’t going to let myself watch the second Presidential debate alone. Oh no, leaving the politics junkie alone might prove dangerous to our personal property (our new plasma TV might find a few pens stuck in it). I sat down with my roommate Tony, and my buddy Blake, to break down this latest “Must See Political TV” event.

First, this whole debate format is completely crazy. Nobody is allowed to directly question each other, follow up questions are going to be discouraged, and everything is pre-screened and sanitized. Thank heavens we at least have Tom Brokaw in charge here, to keep this from getting too stupid.

I’m surprised to see Charlie Gibson watching everything at Bowling Green University. Is he running a focus group up there with a bunch of students? I’m pretty sure having 75% of your sample infected with syphilis might mess up your data.

Okay, enough jibber jabber. Notes from the actual “debate”…

…First, I notice that both Obama and McCain have little yellow notepads next to their chairs. What are they for? What are they writing? Wouldn’t it be great to get a camera down there, to show the public what they’re doing? Is Obama doodling? Is McCain channeling his inner John Madden? Maybe their notes look like my debate notes, littered with non sequiturs and various profanities. The public needs to know! Or at least I do.

Who is that dude asking the first question? He looks like Paul Shaffer’s demonic brother. Letting Paul Shaffer ask some questions might spice this up a bit…

…right off the bat, we’re seeing both canidates have absoluetly no regard for the actual question. Whats that? did you ask me about the economic bailout? Thanks for your question, but my notecard says I’m supposed to talk about energy policy! Also, I’ve noticed that nobody seems to give a crap about the time constraints. I bet Tom is thrilled.

…Question: Who would you pick to be treasury secretary? McCain “Not you Tom”. Ha! Funny…then everybody runs right back into jibber jabber mode. Warren Buffet, you might want to get your resume ready, you seem to be in high demand. I’d like to point out that I also plan on applying for the job, and like all good hispanic immigrants, I’ll do whatever Buffet will do, but for half the cost.

..Tom Brokaw just laid the hammer down on everybody.  I wonder if I can vote for him…

…I am totally loving this side camera action, where we get to see what one guy is doing while the other is talking. Obama is strolling around the stage, talking to the crowd about taxes or economic policy…and McCain is making this very strange face. Is he trying to fart? Does he need Oops I Crapped My Pants Adult Diapers? I can just picture him talking in a few seconds….My Friends…I have just taken the Browns to the Super Bowl, and would like to request a brief recess.

…I love it when John McCain starts getting all indignant about earmarks. My Friends, we have too much pork barrel spending in this country. Obama just asked for 3 million dollars for a projector in Chicago. We need to take that money, and use it for useful projects to help America get back on track…like bridges in Alaska.

And Tom Brokaw strikes again! John McCain tries to punt on a question, saying that he will fix social security, our energy crisis, and medicare all at the same time. Brokaw says he’s full of crap. I like this guy. Now, if he would only get all indignant every time either of these guys tried to dodge a question, we’d have a real debate on our hands.

McCain: We’re not rifleshots. We’re Americans. Thanks. I get that confused all the time.

Talking about health care, McCain announces “That he knows Obama’s Secret”. Obama’s face bugs out on the other side of the screen. Whats the secret? Is he gay? Is he a Muslim? Is he a Weatherman? How did McCain know? I bet its on that notepad.

Obama just took a potshot at Deleware’s banking rules. Dude, did you forget where your running mate is from? Maaaaaybe leave them out of this.

…Tricky foriegn policy question here…do you respect the soverignty of Pakistan, or do you go in there and take care of the terrorists? Tony makes a brilliant suggestion here…why not do both? How, you might ask?

Snake? SNAKE?!? SNAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!

Debates ends with a pretty good question…”What don’t you know, and how will you learn it?” Judging from both candidate’s non-answer, I think its safe to assume that they clearly know everything. Good thing we got that cleared up…I was worried.

Well, who won? Did Obama, who looked youthful and strong compared to McCain, “win”? Did John McCain get enough mojo to right his sinking campaign ship?

Who knows? I think the clear winner here was Tom Brokaw…the only guy to play by the rules. I wonder if he’s busy for the next four years? At the very least, the Treasury might be hiring….

Born to Run October 7, 2008

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
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1 comment so far

Living in one of the nation’s premier “swing states” certainly has some drawbacks.  Our airwaves are so saturated with campaign ads that you can’t watch a baseball game for three seconds without being reminded that Barack Osama plays poker with pedophile terrorists and John McCain feasts on the flesh of the living. I can’t take more than a few steps outside of my apartment without being mobbed by a group of well meaning volunteers reminding me to vote (and could you maybe stop by the field office and do some data entry for a few hours?).  I can’t even read a national newspaper without seeing every tiny corner of my state overanalyzed into oblivion (Hank Smith, 51, of Van Wert, Ohio is hinting that he might vote for Obama. McCain camp in tailspin. Film at 11).

But it’s not all bad. Sometimes important people come to your town! Last cycle, I couldn’t drive to my neighborhood IGA without running over John Kerry (George Bush hung out here a lot too, but you couldn’t get in to see him without signing a loyalty oath to the GOP….so I didn’t go). This year, I’ve already been able to hear Obama, Biden, and every significant Democratic politician from Ohio (including my idol, John Glenn). But Monday, somebody came rolling into town far bigger than any of those names.

Yes. I’m talking about Bruce Springsteen. The Boss himself (sadly, sans his E St Band) was coming to the Oval at THE Ohio State University (a mere few blocks from my apartment) to give a free concert. Take THAT New York. Important people only show up there when they want money!

Me and my buddy Blake hurried to the concert spot early, as to avoid the throng that would surely come later. I had enough time to pick up a T-Shirt that had Obama and Springsteen on it…thus validating my brilliant idea a few posts ago (that Obama and Springsteen ought to run together). You think this is a blowout now, but with The Boss instead of Biden, we’re winning everything except Utah County.

But before Bruce could step out in front of the adoring masses and play Thunder Road, we had to listen to the lukewarm opening act of all celebrity-driven political rallies…the democratic under card. While I understand the political necessity of having various house and local candidates speak (No offense to David Robinson and Mary Jo Kilroy, who I’m sure are fine candidates…but they aren’t drawing 5,000+ on a Sunday), its still somewhat of an emotional buzzkill….watching obviously uncomfortable professionals stumble through jokes, talking points, and Springsteen related puns. I’d like to put out a standing offer to all my friends running for office…I will be happy to write jokes for you, free of charge. Don’t use your own material.

Personally, if I was running the whole show, I think I would have tried to grab an all-star OSU band or something, to warm up the crowd. Something with a name like John McCain and the Keating Five or maybe Charles Barkley and the Real Mavericks. Don’t even tell me that isn’t an awesome name for a band.

Finally, after introductions from everybody from the mayor of Columbus to candidates for Ohio State University Undergraduate Senate, the man, the myth, the legend, Bruce Springsteen, took the stage. And to think, not 24 hours ago, I was aimlessly tossing around a football at the very spot. If presidential elections inspire my musical idols to swing by my hometown, I wish we had presidential elections every year. It’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Bruce didn’t play a very long set…maybe just 6 songs, along with some talking after every number. I didn’t care, because I would have happily stood outside all day just to hear The Rising live (which he played) and Thunder Road (aka the finest song ever written). I was more than happy to listen to the Boss politely exhort us all to do a little more to help Obama get elected.

And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Outside of voting, and perhaps writing a pro-Obama facebook note every now and again, I really haven’t done a whole lot. I could certainly credibly claim a lack of time. I’m working two jobs, taking a full course load, and balancing a church calling, work with my fraternity, and basic hygienic functions. Obama campaign workers seem to want you to devote more than just a little bit of time, and I’m not sure I can give it, no matter how much I support the cause.

I also admit, I hate canvassing and cold callings. I did it once for a school levy, and I did it again as an LDS Missionary. I think only God could get me to knock doors again, and he would have to ask really nicely.

But there’s really another, bigger reason that I’ve somewhat kept my distance. Perhaps the biggest draw to Obama for anybody is his appeal to our sense of hope…he represents the idea of turning away from the negative attitudes we might have picked up over the last 8 years, or from politics as usual, and that craven cynicism that clouds over everybody who has ever watched more than 15 min of CSPAN.

I worry that if I got myself too deep into the nitty gritty of this race, I might lose some of that. I don’t want to say I’d lose my objectivity, because I never claimed to really be objective in the first place. I don’t write for the AP wire, or the BBC. I’ve picked a side, and I’ve been honest and upfront about that. Perhaps I’m worried about losing my independence. I guess if I get too deep into the logistics of the campaign, I’d lose my ability to criticize something I didn’t like. Not working for anybody gives me a lot more freedom. heck, if I wanted to, I could go off the reservation and endorse Chuck Baldwin, even though I’m pretty sure he’s issued a Fatwa against both Mormons and Latinos. Besides, if I started getting training for things like message control, I’m sure I’d lose my grip on this whole hope and change business.

But it’s difficult to explain any of that to the woman who’s working the Obama booth on 15th and High, or at least not without getting a terrible case of Liberal Guilt (how can you make snarky comments when kids can’t read in Chicago???? You’re so selfish…you might as well be a…a….Republican!!!).

Oh well, I bet Bruce would understand. The Boss wouldn’t be the Boss if he was say, the Communications Director in the Obama White House. I know how it is…you can’t fence people like us in. Tramps like us….we’re born to run (sorry).