I Heard it Downtown

I wasn’t going to let myself watch the second Presidential debate alone. Oh no, leaving the politics junkie alone might prove dangerous to our personal property (our new plasma TV might find a few pens stuck in it). I sat down with my roommate Tony, and my buddy Blake, to break down this latest “Must See Political TV” event.

First, this whole debate format is completely crazy. Nobody is allowed to directly question each other, follow up questions are going to be discouraged, and everything is pre-screened and sanitized. Thank heavens we at least have Tom Brokaw in charge here, to keep this from getting too stupid.

I’m surprised to see Charlie Gibson watching everything at Bowling Green University. Is he running a focus group up there with a bunch of students? I’m pretty sure having 75% of your sample infected with syphilis might mess up your data.

Okay, enough jibber jabber. Notes from the actual “debate”…

…First, I notice that both Obama and McCain have little yellow notepads next to their chairs. What are they for? What are they writing? Wouldn’t it be great to get a camera down there, to show the public what they’re doing? Is Obama doodling? Is McCain channeling his inner John Madden? Maybe their notes look like my debate notes, littered with non sequiturs and various profanities. The public needs to know! Or at least I do.

Who is that dude asking the first question? He looks like Paul Shaffer’s demonic brother. Letting Paul Shaffer ask some questions might spice this up a bit…

…right off the bat, we’re seeing both canidates have absoluetly no regard for the actual question. Whats that? did you ask me about the economic bailout? Thanks for your question, but my notecard says I’m supposed to talk about energy policy! Also, I’ve noticed that nobody seems to give a crap about the time constraints. I bet Tom is thrilled.

…Question: Who would you pick to be treasury secretary? McCain “Not you Tom”. Ha! Funny…then everybody runs right back into jibber jabber mode. Warren Buffet, you might want to get your resume ready, you seem to be in high demand. I’d like to point out that I also plan on applying for the job, and like all good hispanic immigrants, I’ll do whatever Buffet will do, but for half the cost.

..Tom Brokaw just laid the hammer down on everybody.  I wonder if I can vote for him…

…I am totally loving this side camera action, where we get to see what one guy is doing while the other is talking. Obama is strolling around the stage, talking to the crowd about taxes or economic policy…and McCain is making this very strange face. Is he trying to fart? Does he need Oops I Crapped My Pants Adult Diapers? I can just picture him talking in a few seconds….My Friends…I have just taken the Browns to the Super Bowl, and would like to request a brief recess.

…I love it when John McCain starts getting all indignant about earmarks. My Friends, we have too much pork barrel spending in this country. Obama just asked for 3 million dollars for a projector in Chicago. We need to take that money, and use it for useful projects to help America get back on track…like bridges in Alaska.

And Tom Brokaw strikes again! John McCain tries to punt on a question, saying that he will fix social security, our energy crisis, and medicare all at the same time. Brokaw says he’s full of crap. I like this guy. Now, if he would only get all indignant every time either of these guys tried to dodge a question, we’d have a real debate on our hands.

McCain: We’re not rifleshots. We’re Americans. Thanks. I get that confused all the time.

Talking about health care, McCain announces “That he knows Obama’s Secret”. Obama’s face bugs out on the other side of the screen. Whats the secret? Is he gay? Is he a Muslim? Is he a Weatherman? How did McCain know? I bet its on that notepad.

Obama just took a potshot at Deleware’s banking rules. Dude, did you forget where your running mate is from? Maaaaaybe leave them out of this.

…Tricky foriegn policy question here…do you respect the soverignty of Pakistan, or do you go in there and take care of the terrorists? Tony makes a brilliant suggestion here…why not do both? How, you might ask?

Snake? SNAKE?!? SNAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!

Debates ends with a pretty good question…”What don’t you know, and how will you learn it?” Judging from both candidate’s non-answer, I think its safe to assume that they clearly know everything. Good thing we got that cleared up…I was worried.

Well, who won? Did Obama, who looked youthful and strong compared to McCain, “win”? Did John McCain get enough mojo to right his sinking campaign ship?

Who knows? I think the clear winner here was Tom Brokaw…the only guy to play by the rules. I wonder if he’s busy for the next four years? At the very least, the Treasury might be hiring….