Dear Santa,

Hows it going big guy? I know, I know, I haven’t written to you in a while. There was a rumor going around that you aren’t actually real, and I gotta admit, my faith faltered a little bit. I dunno, maybe there just seems to be a little more Christmas spirit going around this year, or maybe I’m still hopped up on residual Obama HOPES AND DREAMs…whatever the reason, I figured I ought to drop you a line this year.

I hear the economy has been rough on the ol’ North Pole. Your factory isn’t going to get foreclosed right? You hang on for just a few more years big guy, and I promise, when I pass the bar, I’ll take care of you, free of charge. Hey, I haven’t forgotten that Sega Genesis you got for me years ago. Best days of my 4th grade life right there.

Speaking of lawyers, I’m going to claim I’ve been “nice”, but I think i’ll be wise for us to discuss the specifics there in private (or maybe with my attorney). Not that I think that will be necessary or anything…but my mom has the internet now, and she prob. reads these things. I’m sure you understand.

I’ll be level with you, that stuff I’ve been writing about for the last week? Those were jokes… I already got just about everything I wanted for Christmas a few weeks ahead of time. My guy won the presidential election. I have a new job that allows to work in a cause that I’m passionate about. I have a beautiful girlfriend. It would be pretty cheeky to actually, you know…ask for more stuff right?

But thats what these letters are all about I guess. File this one under low priority…but if you a get a second, if you could take care of some of these….it would be awesome.

1) Maybe you could use some of your Christmas Magic to make the COTA buses run on time. I know, when the bus says it’ll be here at 12:37, and it rolls up at 12:43, thats not a huge difference…but thats 6 more min that I have to spend in agony in the freezing cold. You’ve seen me before right? You know I don’t shiver in the cold…I practically have epileptic convulsions. Its not pretty. Don’t leave me out to dry there waiting for the #4 any longer than I have to.

2) Somewhere out there, there is a kid begging for a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas, but his mom won’t let him…something about poking an eye out. Santa is for giving the gifts mommy and daddy wont’t let us have. Give the kid the gun. It’ll make his year.

3) If you can’t convince Lebron James that he really wants to stay in Cleveland in 2010, then use some Christmas Magic, and help the Cleveland Cavs win the NBA title this season. Have you been reading the newspapers lately? The industrial midwest is wilting away before our eyes…and Cleveland sports have already been cursed at a level not seen since the Old Testament. We know real economic help isn’t coming soon…so a welcome, basketball-related diversion would do wonders for our saddened spirits.

4) You know how when you forget to buy groceries for a while, and you keep compulsively opening up your fridge door, hoping that some Grocery Fairy came and left you some food? Could you maybe make that actually happen, just once?

5) Socks. I’m not talking bulletproof socks, or jet-powered socks…just regular ol’ socks. Maybe some white socks, some black socks, whatever. I know, its proof that I’m getting old and lame Santa, but my socks seem to vanish on the route back from the washing machine at an alarming clip, and its critical to have your feet warm in the winter. The Christmas that I ask for socks instead of say, an Xbox means I’m officially grown up I think.

Honestly, thats all I can think of. If you stop by the apartment this Christmas, be sure to park your sled on 20th ave, and not in my lot. Sorry, my landlord is kind of a douchebag, and unless you have the right parking pass, he will tow it. I don’t think I have any cookies and milk for you, but there might be some rum in the freezer, and you can help yourself to some of that. I know, you’ve got a long trip, and you gotta stay warm. Its not like I’M going to drink it.

Also…yeah. If you have any extra jetpacks…maybe I wasn’t kidding about everything

Give my best to the Mrs, and have a wonderful Christmas

Your friend

Matt

And with that, I’m off to the Igloo. Have a merry Christmas everybody.

As I was surfing around the internet, looking around for another outlandish item to put on my list, I ran across this article on Fox News. Everybody should stop what they’re doing and read it. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,465844,00.html

Now, I don’t want you guys to get the wrong idea. I do NOT want a robot girlfriend for Christmas. I may be a sad, dorky nerd…but I am not anywhere CLOSE to that dorky (or creepy! I mean…seriously). Rather, for Christmas, I want to be the kind of journalist that gets to interview dorks like that. If working for Fox News means I get the Robot Girlfriend stories, I’m turning in my Liberal Elite Media press pass right now, and signing up for Rubert’s Army.

Lets break down this story together. Here’s the lead paragraph
Le Trung, a 33-year-old software engineer who lives with his parents in Brampton, Ontario, a suburb of Toronto, says he’s spent about $20,000 so far on Aiko, a 5-foot-tall female android with clear skin, a slim if shapely figure and a wonderful disposition.

Wait, a computer engineer who dropped 20 grand on a chick robot lives with his parents?!?. I’m shocked. But wait, this gets so much better

“She can recognize faces, she can identify medication, she can even butter your toast,” Le Trung tells the Toronto Globe and Mail. “Aiko is what happens when science meets beauty,” Le Trung tells the Sun of London. “Aiko doesn’t need holidays, food or rest, and will work almost 24 hours a day. She is the perfect woman.”

So he’s developmentally challenged, drops obscene amounts of money on a fake chick, AND he’s a chauvinist! I love this guy rattling off the features here. Who doesn’t need somebody to be at your beck and call, to butter your toast? I waste way too much time toast buttering myself…I bet if I had somebody to do it for me, I’d save maybe an hour a year. AN HOUR. Thats worth a 20,000 investment for me. I wonder if he’s seeing a REAL lady. Lets find out!

“Aiko is still a virgin

Okay, so I’m gonna go ahead and say no to that then. See, this is when Serious Professional Journalist Matt would try to keep from laughing, put his arm around the guy, and say “Look. I’m never going to be confused with Casanova or anything, but lemme office you a little advice here…dude to dude. Until you learn to see women as more than medicine-retrieving, toast-buttering slaves…this robot is the only action you’re going to see.”

Whats that, you aren’t even getting robot action?

AND NO I do not sleep with her,” he writes on the Project Aiko Web site, though he admits that she “has sensors in her body including her private parts, and yes even down there.”

hahahahaha! What 33 year old says “even down there?” I bet he was giggling and blushing the whole time. I might expect that sort of thing from my 3rd graders next year, but a grown man?

He shot a video of his little robot too…watch, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3l6buDfU9AY) about 1:30 in, he tries to grab her plastic boob, and she smacks him! Shot down by his own robot! Forget Iraq. These are the stories that America needs to hear, and I need to be the person bringing it to them.

Wow. Just….wow.

A lot of the gifts I’ve mentioned so far are pretty unrealistic. Some of them aren’t even technically “for sale”, like that Jetpack (which means if you really love me…you’ll steal me one for Christmas). This next gift idea is something that is apparently very much on the open market, and would mean more to me than any of these comically over the top nerd toys.

That’s right. I’m talking about the Democratic US Senate seat in Illinois.

I know what you’re thinking right now. “Matt, you are not constitutionally allowed to take that seat. You’re only 21 years old, and you don’t even come close to meeting the residency requirements…and if it came down to it, we could probably come up with a crazy legal theory to show that you haven’t been a US Citizen for 9 years”. And you know what? You’re right. I don’t think I’ve spent more than 6 nights in Illinois in my entire life, and I am not 30 years old.

But you guys are missing the point here. If you can actually try to SELL A US SENATE SEAT with a straight face, anything is possible! Constitutional roadblocks are merely typos and technicalities in the way of my master plan of becoming Sen. Matt Brown (D-whatever state that will take me)

Quite frankly, I think this arrangement will work out best for everybody here, and I’m not just saying that because I want membership to the Senate gym (I might feel like a shrimp here in the Ohio State gym, but once I’m pumping iron next to Frank Lautenberg and Orin Hatch, I’m going to look like Jose freaking Canseco).

US Senators are often accused of being in the pocket of special interest groups, partly because of their business holdings. I won’t have that problem…I don’t own diddily squat. I’ll be the first US Senator with negative net worth (thank you student loans). I’ll never have to excuse myself from any bill because of a conflict of interest, unless we’ve voting on giving Mormons reparations or something.

As the junior senator from Illinois, I promise to take on the issues that nobody else wants to talk about. When everybody else is talking about boring issues, like bailouts for auto companies, I plan to investigate the BCS (I plan on voting NO on all auto bailout bills by the way. Those companies are in Michigan, and I don’t give a damn for the whole state of Michigan…cause I’m from O-HI-O). I’ll let my headline grabbing peers go after financial systems and the Middle East. I’ll set up subcommittees on textbook gouging, ATM fees, and getting an a la carte cable system (Seriously. Why am I paying for Lifetime and TLC, when I could be getting ESPN The Ocho. This is a national travesty). I’ll even throw the good people of Illinois a bone, and get Ron Zook and Gary Bettman arrested for something. I got your back guys.

Also, I promise to make C-SPAN watchable. I’m thinking bringing special musical guests to perform halfway through my speeches. Ladies and Gentlemen, before I continue my address on health care reform…please, put your hands together for THE JOHN MAYER TRIO WOOOOOOOO.

According to Jesse Jackson Jr, the going rate for US Senator is around a million bucks to Blaggo’s campaign/legal defense fund. Lets find a way to make this happen.

So, I’ve learned something important this month. Don’t try and start a fairly ambitious writing project that requires daily updates during exam week, or when real newspapers want you to write things for money. Rookie mistake…it won’t happen again.

Just because I haven’t been updating doesn’t mean I haven’t been giving my Christmas list some thought though. On the contrary, I’m willing to do just about anything besides study for exams. My apartment hasn’t been this clean since we moved in, and I’ve gone to lift 4 times in the last 5 days. If exam week lasted for a month, I’d add two inches to my guns, write a book, and learn to play the guitar (but get Ds on all my tests).

Anyways, I digress. For this next gift, perhaps against my better judgment, I’m going to reveal to you all one of those secret, hidden guy desires (don’t tell the “Man Card” certification board about this. I’m still on probation for making a love actually joke in one of these notes a few months ago. If they find out, they’ll cancel all my ESPNs from my cable plan and make me eat quiche for a week).

Nod with me in agreement here dudes…wouldn’t it be cool to have…your own action figure? I’m not talking a stupid bobblehead, but a butt kicking action figure, like the ones you wanted when you were a little kid, but your mother wouldn’t buy them for you because they promoted violence? (And you wondered why I didnt have any friends until high school Mom. Thats why!)

Thanks to our good friends at the internet, this dream can now be made a reality. Turn regular Joes into action figures? YES WE CAN! http://www.vicale.com/maleondemand/

Thanks to the MaleOnDemand (man…that sounds really gay. From now on, I’m calling it the Action Figure Store), you can make your own kickbutt actionfigure, so long as it conforms to one of their factory defaults. With a little bit of playing around, I managed to make one that looks just like me (only with one CRITICAL anatomical difference).

I think the possibilities here are endless. Why stop at one Matt Brown action figure? I’m ACTION PACKED! we could make..

1) TFA MAN. Includes bulletproof polo shirt, and the JetPack Of Learning. Also includes 1 Nerf Maverick 6-shooter nerf gun and a stack of graded papers (showing significant gains of course). When you pull a string, he reads selected quotes from Someday All Children (TFAMan might be a little boring. Thats why he has the jetpack)

2) Serious Professional Journalist Matt. Its me with my feet up on a desk, writing furiously to meet deadlines. Comes with computer, notebook, cellphone, and a 6 pack of Monster Energy Drinks to help him stay awake during boring sporting events. When you pull his string, he’ll tell a funny joke 1 out of 4 times. The other three times, he’ll stutter, or mutter something about how he’ll write a better one tomorrow.

3) Intramural Sports Matt. Comes with Firecracker 5 cut off, baggy gym shorts, headband and two knee braces. Will be a lot of fun to play with for about 20 min, then his legs will fall off.

Any other ideas? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS

So I’m teaching elementary school next year in New Orleans with Teach For America. My teaching experience right now is limited to my foray as a summer instructor with the Granville High Marching Percussion Section ( the baddest thing in Licking County now that Bob Ney is in jail), and occasional forays into teaching sunday school (apparently, I’m bad at that. One of the 4th graders told me today “Matt, I like you, cause you and I are a lot alike. We’re both bad!”) Because of my inexperience with formal teaching, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about previous life experiences, to see if I can squeeze some good teaching lessons from them.

I worked for Teach For America last summer, at their training institute at Arizona State University. My job was to fix teacher’s laptops as they broke, give tech advice, and generally keep the whole institute from burning down. Perhaps my *biggest* job was to help run their massive computer lab, where frazzled teachers would come in after a long day of “teaching”, and would try to balance their need to do their next lesson plan with their desire to check facebook and get at least 3 hours of sleep. This led to some palatable tensions.

In order to lighten the mood a little, my co-workers and I had the brilliant idea to bring nerf-guns in the lab. At first, we used them to light up people who broke lab rules, but eventually, we loosened our ties, and let the teachers shoot at a target when they got too stressed. The nerf guns became a major hit, turning into an elaborate inside joke, and likely remains the number one reason TFA retained me to be an actual teacher next year. Nothing says Serious Professional like foam dart furry.

However, I’m 101% sure I can’t employ that same nerf-gun strategy for my 2nd grade class next year. If I brought in some nerf firepower, even just a little bit, my class would decent into anarchy so fast, we’d need to bring in UN Blue Helmets to try and bring order.

But what happens to my students then, when my classroom is turned into a warzone of flying foam darts? Lucky for me, my sister found the perfect thing. I bring to you, the next item on my Christmas Wish List..

http://www.bulletproofbaby.net/product_page_helmet.html

Yeah, thats exactly what you think it is. A 100% real riot helmet for babies. Apparently, you can order larger sizes for slightly older kids. It might not work if I’m teaching 6th grade or something, but first graders? It might just work.

Seriously, look at the rest of this website. They sell Baby Bomb Blankets, Tasers for Toddlers, and more. I don’t know if this is completely awesome, or absolutely terrible. They have a video of a bulletproof stroller…where its being demonstrated ON A REAL BABY. A mom puts her REAL, LIVE, BREATHING KID in the stroller, closes the door, and unloads like 3 clips from automatic weapon on it…then takes the kid out. Its not some sick outtake from a movie, thats the real McCoy. How is that legal? Somebody should do something.

But until somebody does, the world remains a dangerous place, ’specially for people who are too small to fit into my bulletproof Polo shirt. Thats why its critical I have some of these little-man riot gear sets, to help protect everybody.

Okay, so I skipped yesterday. Apparently, every group that actually pays me to write needed an article on friday, and after pumping out three of them, I didn’t want to write anymore.

But thats just as well, because the next item is more fitting for today. I woke up this morning (er, I guess afternoon), and saw the cold hard reality of winter staring me right in the face. It was snowing outside…and not that wussy white dusting thats barely enough to stick to your windshield. This was 100%, legit snow…snow that sticks to the ground and makes you fall on your butt walking on the sidewalk. Serious snow.

Snow is a menace to society. It, along with its partner in crime, The Cold, brings sorrow, the flu, and running noses to all it touches. It renders our roads nearly useless, trapping us in our apartments (I never understood this…it snows every year in Columbus, but our city service people act like its a mysterious act of God every winter. OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THIS WHITE STUFF THE FOUR HORSEMEN ARE COMING. No. Its just snow. Have the freakin’ plows ready people).

Its times like these when I just want to curl up on my tiny couch with a cup of hot chocolate (hopefully full of marshmallows), in front of a roaring fire in the ol’ fireplace…and wait for spring.

But wait. My apartment doesn’t have a fireplace. The closest thing I have is to turn my range top on “HIGH”, and try to warm my hands by cooking some ramen. It just isn’t the same.

So, for the 4th item on my Christmas Wish List, I suggest this: http://tinyurl.com/56zhub.

Yeah. Thats a flamethrower.

I feel like with some creative engineering, a flamethrower could be used as a makeshift fireplace in a pinch. Actually, the flamethrower could be used to address the larger problems of Snow and Cold. I’d just fire that bad boy up and blast both of them back to Alaska. Snow covering up my staircase? FWOOOOM. Sidewalk icy? FHOOOOOM. My hot chocolate getting a little lukewarm? FHOOOOOM. Man, if I could just get that jet pack too, I could single handily end winter in Columbus. Plus, I’m pretty sure the carbon footprint of this whole operation is enough to cause some global warming here. ITS A WIN WIN.

Plus, I’m pretty sure I blow this annoying guy away for good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mw-1ehsuJM

Okay, so December is upon us, which means that its time to be fully submersed in the holiday season. The holidays are a wonderful time to spend time with family and friends, enjoy the wonderful lights, drink hot chocolate, and celebrate significant religious events.

All of that is cool and all, but lets not forget the most important part of the holiday season. Finding totally sweet presents for your buddy Matt.

If you’re worried about what to get me this year, no problem! I’m going to put up my Christmas list here, for the next 11 days (we’ll start the clock yesterday, since thats when I actually put my first item up), so everybody will know what to get me. It’ll be my own little version of ‘the 12 days of Christmas”..only it won’t end on Christmas, since I’m leaving for Wisconsin around the 14th, and I don’t know if they put internet in the all the igloos up there yet.

So, Wish List Item Number One can be found here: http://www.gizmag.com/bullet-proof-polo-shirt/10187/. The link URL isn’t a joke. Thats a REAL Bullet Proof Polo Shirt. The company calls itself the “Armani of Armor”, and is the same company that stylishly outfits people like Hugo Chavez, and Álvaro Uribe of Columbia. I don’t know about you guys, but wearing those regular Kevlar vests totally crimps my style. How cool would it be to just lounge around my the pool, have some dude take a shot at me, and then just shrug it off like its no big deal, cause my Polo makes me INVINCIBLE? Plus, these guys make bulletproof handkerchiefs and Tuexedo shirts…you know, just in case something goes terribly wrong at my APO formal in the spring.

Or terribly right!

Sure, its a little pricey (12,000)…but when it comes to fashion, and preventing bullets from entering my chest cavity, no price is too great.

“sure Matt, that shirt looks pretty cool…but are you planning on being shot in the near future? Why would you need that?”
Thats a good question, and one that ties in nicely with the second item on my Christmas Wish List…
http://www.flightglobal.com/articles/2006/06/01/206910/james-bond-style-strap-on-jet-pack-flying-wing-to-extend-special-forces.html

Thats right. THAT’S A REAL JET PACK.

Me and a friend were recently discussing superheros. We determined that the reason that guys like Iron Man and Batman were indefinitely superior to squares like Superman is the fact that the former are just regular guys that happen to have one awesome thing going for them. IronMan is crazy smart, so he can build his own super flying suit. Batman is crazy rich, so he can hire a smartass butler and his own personal army. Matt Brown + Bulletproof Polo + JetPack =…..???

Maybe TFAMAN? Fighting for Truth, Justice, and Elementary School student Achievement? I might be on to something here. TFAMAN would just be a regular guy without any real super powers (maybe just enough dry humor to charm a few parents into showing up for parent teacher conferences)…but he would have this sweet jetpack, that he would use to fight the achievement gap (Kids! If you all pass the state proficiency state, I’ll distract our principal, and you can all RIDE IN THE JET PACK!! After your parents sign this waver). Applications for being my sidekick are accepted now.

Then, when the agents of school mediocrity/federal aviation officials try to shut me down, they can’t. My polo shirt is bulletproof. Maybe I’ll wear my bulletproof handkerchief as a headband too, for added protection.

I could even get that Clark Kent/Superman dual identity thing going. I’ll be chilling in the teacher’s lounge, and somebody will go “Hey…Matt…if you only had that blue shirt on, I’d say you look a little like TF—OH MY GOD ITS HIM”.That ought to get me TFAmous!

Blake, you can draw comic strips right? Shoot, this might pay for itself here.

Plus, my apartment is kind of a far walk from campus. The jetpack would be pretty useful now, as a commuting tool.

Okay, so you guys all got that? Great. Together, lets make this happen.

New item tomorrow! Happy Holidays everybody!!