jump to navigation

Confusion in the Captiol January 30, 2009

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

There are strange things coming out of Washington DC these days, and I’m not just talking about the city’s shutdown over a light snow dusting a few days ago (Memo to DC, I know its hard to steer your BMW in a little in 2 inches of snow, but if you were smart enough to go to Georgetown Law, I bet you’re smart enough to figure out how to drive. Do you know what we call what you got on Monday in Ohio? April). The new Congress has voted on its first few bills, and the results are a little strange.

The Obama administration had placed a public premium on becoming more bipartisan. On the most recent high profile legislation, the economic stimulus bill, many would say more than a good faith effort was made. One of the most egregious bits of pork (millions for sex education slipped in by Pelosi) was removed. Concessions were made, meetings were held…and when it came time to count the vote, every single House Republican voted against it. All of them.

This wasn’t just for this piece of higher profile legislation. Nate Silver at 538 just wrote a great piece on this…nearly every Republican in the House voted against the transition to digital tv (a measure that was supported by EVERY SINGLE Senate Republican), and all but 3 voted against the Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, a measure that was supported by all 4 Republican Women Senators. It would appear that Eric Cantor and the House GOP Leadership don’t exactly plan to be very conciliatory.

And to that, I have to say…are you guys crazy?

This isn’t overly partisan Matt Brown, watching the GOP implosion with schadenfreude. This is serious professional journalist Matt…for the life of me, I can’t understand this strategy.

Obama is one of the most talented, politically anyway, politicians in our generation. He’s sitting on nearly a 70% approval rating. The public, depending on how their asked, supports the stimulus bill by large margins (from 17-40%, depending on the poll). House Republicans, actually, Republicans in general, have been flat out getting slaughtered in almost every election since 2006. There is a pretty clear public mandate going on right now.

So when your national brand is so low (and poised to get even lower, given what seats they have to defend in the Senate in 2010), why run the risk of being *perceived* as being obstructionists to the popular agenda? Nobody should expect Republicans to go along with everything Obama wants, but whats the point of killing digital TV transition, (when all your GOP peers in the Senate thought it was okay)? Did every single GOP Congressman who represents a +D district already lose? If not, this behavior isn’t going to help.

You can’t run against a president with a 68% approval rating. Democrats did this from 2006-2008, because George W. Bush was about as popular as venereal disease.

Mitch McConnell is right. The future isn’t so bright for Republicans, unless they make some changes (which Conservatives, by their very nature, are rarely very excited to make). In addition to being saddled with the legacy of one of the most unpopular presidents in US history, in addition to having a fairly short bench, they have a coming demographic explosion on their hands. The electorate is changing, and the Nixon’s southern strategy, or Rove’s divide and conquer, aren’t going to work anymore.

The US electorate is going to have a lot more people like me. More Latinos. More young people. More folks employed in the service sector. The demographic that has been the GOP base for so long, older white males, is shrinking. Either you make changes to make your party more inclusive, or you become content to rule over Utah, Idaho, Alaska and Alabama.

The next few months should be interesting…if this behavior is prolonged, will there be any backlash? Does this mean that Eric Cantor is the de facto face of the Republican Party? (Better than Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh I guess) Will the next head of the DNC understand that there is more to winning a larger share of young people than using facebook?

Who knows. This political season could have more unanswered questions, and make less sense than a season of Lost (but with less polar bears).

Sportmanship and Toothbrushes January 28, 2009

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
Tags: , , ,
add a comment

Things can get pretty heated when me and my buddies play Madden. In the heat of battle, disparaging remarks about mothers and girlfriends might get thrown about. We might pause the game in the middle of a play, or force each other to watch instant replays of that last Hail Mary again and again. Just because we bust each other’s chops doesn’t mean that there aren’t lines that we don’t cross though. If somebody is lucky enough to have a huge lead, that person better not start going for fake punts on 4th down. Poor Madden sportsmanship will result in a deluge of profanities and hurt feelings at the very least. Flagrant violations of video game sportsmanship might result in something drastic, like my roommate discovering his toothbrush floating in our toilet.

The point is, even in the heat of competition, there are certain lines you shouldn’t cross.

Covenant Christian, near Dallas Texas, would have done well to remember that. Covenant’s girls basketball team recently defeated neighboring Dallas Academy 100-0. That isn’t a typo…they actually pitched a shutout in a basketball game. Covenant plans on competing for a state title in Texas, whereas Dallas Academy, a school that specializes in helping students with learning disabilities. Academy has only 20 girls in their entire high school. Clearly, this was going to be a mismatch.

But Covenant’s coaching staff didn’t exactly help matters. After racing to more than a 50 point lead at halftime, Covenant continued to shoot three pointers and press (according to media reports). After the game, the embarrassed headmaster for Covenant issued a public apology for the massacre, and for good reason. I know the Bible is rather silent as to what kind of defense Jesus would run, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be running a full court press against a team of special education students if he was winning by more than 20.

But Covenant’s coach was unrepentant, saying that he disagreed with the administration, and didn’t think he had anything to apologizer for. The Covenant administration, wisely seeing that this kind of behavior clashed with the mission of their school, recently sacked the coach.

I’ve covered high school sports for other newspapers before. Sometimes things can get out of hand quickly. It isn’t fair to either team, or the game, to tell one team to quit playing, but there are ways to win without embarrassing or obliterating somebody. A smart coach would have used a blowout to try some new offensive sets, and would have just asked his team to use more of the shot clock, and stop pressing. Running up the score isn’t just a display of classlessness, but it robs his team of an important teaching opportunity.

Stunts like this have a way of coming back to haunt you. In Texas, maybe he’ll just find himself on the other end of a massive blowout.

If he tried that in our apartment, he might want to watch his toothbrush.

I swear, this is my last inauguration piece January 25, 2009

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
Tags: , , , , ,
add a comment

I feel like I’ve been beating a dead horse a little bit here. Over the last few days, I think I’ve written 4 articles, and close to 3,000 words on my brief trip back to DC for the Obama inauguration. I’ve been looking through my notesbooks that I kept on the trip though, and I think there are still a few things I would like to flesh out, now that the pressures of deadlines and stylistic rules have passed.

Or at least I think so, because my notebooks are nearly incomprehensible, even to me. When I’m writing on deadline, my I frantically take notes, with little regard to things like “finishing thoughts”. I kind of take the “House” approach, where I frantically throw sentence fragments up on the whiteboard, bounce them around people around me, and see what sticks. Sometimes this works out pretty well…other times, like when I’m covering sports stories, I sit down at the computer, frantically turn through 11 pages of notes, and go “What the hell does G 42—+8 3-11 HIT mean? Was I taking notes of a Battleship game??”

A few of them still make sense. The words “Just for the feeling of being here” are circled and underlined, which kinda became the thesis of my first piece. Other fragments never really made it into the articles.

One was a circle that said Greyhound: Pass The Baby. I’ve done a fair amount of traveling these past few years, and since I don’t often have the money (or the foresight) to fly, I end up taking a lot of Greyhound buses. I don’t know how many of you have experience on those wonderful buses, but those of you who have know what I mean when I say you always meet characters. I’ve had folks try to sell me drugs in Milwaukee, heard prophesies on the end of the world in Pittsburgh, and sat next to many an Amish guy on the route from Columbus to Cleveland

(funny aside. last time I road with Amish guys, I caught them playing the Deer Hunter video game at the Columbus bus station. They were really getting into it too…high fiving each other and yelling. It was the funniest thing I ever saw, since these same guys had been glaring at me something fierce when I had the audacity to send text messages in front of them on the way back.)

Anyways, this trip to DC was no different. We had a woman sitting in front of us who had the most adorable little baby boy. He was quite the ham, and was entertaining everybody sitting around him (I tried to teach him how to drum on the seat). Sometime after we passed Pittsburgh, the woman fell asleep, and passed her baby around to other passengers on the bus to hold. Total strangers! Random Greyhound people were bouncing him around, trying to feed him cheezy poofs, etc, while I just sat there, horrified.

The other note that I didn’t really get a chance to write more about just said “Homecoming?” Washington DC will always be a special place to me. Its where I first became independent, first became intellectually aware, and on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, last March, where I wrote my first facebook note, and had the audacity to think that *maybe* I could be a writer.

The first time I was in DC, I joked that I thought the Potomac was full of Root Beer. Now, sitting on those steps, I could see it was filled with ice. My transfer from American to OSU was ugly and hard, and I used to tell everybody that I still considered myself a DC guy. But every time I go back, despite always loving it, my over-romanticism becomes more apparent. Its taken me a few years, but now I finally feel that Columbus is my home. DC is a place that I visit (with a grin plastered to my face the whole time), and I’m okay with that. The homecoming wasn’t so much when I stepped out at Union Station…it was when I went back to High St.

So, another 1,000 words later, I think I’m ready to finally put this story too bed. There will be new adventures, new political beats to break, and its time for me to move on to them. My only regret is that I still can’t spell inauguration right on the first try.

Hearin’ it Downtown for a year January 16, 2009

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
add a comment

So, it just occurred to me that I’ve been blogging in some capacity (between this and my last site) or another for about a year now. This calls for some sort of party right?

I’m heading to Washington DC in a few days to cover the Obama inauguration, and its going to be some sort of blogapalooza. Starting on Monday, check out www.newarkadvocate.com for some liveblogging from me, and other folks from my hometown who are heading to the big show. Other material of mine ought to appear in the Ohio State Lantern, and this website.

Hopefully, by then I’ll have learned how to spell “inauguration” without having to right click the little red squiggly lines and have the computer fix it for me.

These Aren’t Your Dads Baseball Cards January 13, 2009

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
Tags: , , , , , ,
1 comment so far

Like a lot of guys, I used to collect baseball cards when I was a kid. I had shoeboxes full of ‘em, all neatly placed in little plastic sleeves, categorized by team, waiting to be showed off or traded with some of the other neighborhood kids. My dad helped fuel my habit, but purchasing bulk packs of some of the older Topps sets from 1988 or 1989 that nobody seemed to want (which would unfortunately also contain the bubble gum from 1988. Turns out gum becomes inedible after a decade. Who woulda thought?). I dabbled in basketball and football cards, but baseball cards were always my passion. I heard rumors that they made cards for even more obscure sports, like NASCAR, but to a purist like me, that bordered on sacrilege.

So imagine my reaction when I discovered that Topps, the company that brought me so much joy as a 10 year old sports fan, is now coming out with a line of Barack Obama trading cards. http://tinyurl.com/94w83g

My first thought was that this had to be some kind of joke, like those awful commercials the NCAA puts out, with kids swapping trading cards of “Student Athletes” (A Mike Greene Rookie card? No way, the dude dominates the chemistry lab! Thanks NCAA. Thanks to your commercial, I’m convinced that you want to put the student in student athlete first. I was worried there for a second). Are politician trading cards the way of the future? Will my children open up a pack to find a Bill Clinton rookie card, which a picture of him making his first copies? Or perhaps Joe Biden, grabbing his first cup of coffee for his congressman? Perhaps they’ll be so lucky to find a rare Dick Cheney rookie card, where he’s shooting another rival intern in the head with a BB gun.

Maybe Politician trading cards will help give a spark to Fantasy Congress, a game similar to fantasy baseball, only now it’s only played by the terminally single in American University dorm rooms. (ohh snap Zach Space broke up a filibuster this week. That’s worth like 40 fantasy points). Will we have Matthew Berry breaking down the California 14th congressional district on ESPN? Is that what you want America??

This trend worries me. Look, I like Barack Obama a lot. I voted for him. I did a little campaigning for him….but even I am becoming slightly unnerved by this recent baseball card development. The guy hasn’t even been sworn it yet, and we’re already putting his face on trading cards? There aren’t a whole lot of things more American than baseball cards, and the day that we start selling packs of Politician cards right alongside them…well, that’s a little too much Change for even this political junkie.

When Are We Even Going To Use This? January 10, 2009

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
Tags: , , , , ,
2 comments

I closed my eyes this morning for a second, and had a rather unpleasant flashback. I was back in my freshman Geometry class, struggling through axioms, proofs, and dejectedly looking at my latest test, awash in angry red ink. 68%. I remember looking up at Mr.Bright and asked the question that would be burned into the minds of future liberal arts students everywhere. “Seriously, Mr.Bright, when am I ever going to USE this?”

And here was my answer…on the Praxis test. Why high school math problems were on my elementary school content Praxis exam, I’ll never know…but they were there, sending me into a mental tailspin, as I searched the deep recesses of my brain for facts that probably were never there to begin with.

Everybody told me not to worry much about the test. “Its just Elementary School content stuff…you’re about to graduate college right? No sweat”…so I didn’t sweat. But when those first two math problems were questions that I vaguely remembered from my SAT, I my fear that I had outkicked my coverage with this whole Teach For America business came back out to the forefront.

I had hoped I was done with this whole standardized test stuff by now. I’ve been celebrating after every one I’ve taken now, sure that it would be the last time I would be told to “put my no.2 pencils down”, but alas, they keep throwing more at me. I thought the SAT was the last one, then I had to take that again, then the LSAT, and now the Praxis…and I’m hearing rumors that there will be more Praxis tests in my future. I’m lucky that I tend to do fairly well on these tests, but I wouldn’t say that I don’t “sweat” them…mostly because I think I peaked academically in 8th grade.

I wonder what a “no sweat” test would look like. Maybe if we got rid of all the “arcane math problems” and “graph reading” questions, and changed the categories to something like…

Geeky Political Trivia
Bruce Springsteen
The NBA
Great Moments in Ohio Sports Curse History
Terrible Puns

and the Essay Question: Sarah Palin is giving a press conference today. In a facebook note between 600-1,000 words, make as many jokes as you possibly can.

Would I pass that no problem? You Betcha.

Luckily for me, the first two math questions were the exception, and the rest of my 120 question exam focused on things I actually know. I’m pretty confident that my results will show that I know enough about fractions and basic American history to be trusted in front of 3rd graders.

More importantly though, I know how to answer when some smaralec asks “when are we going to use this?”

Now the Porn industry needs a bailout? January 8, 2009

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
Tags: , , ,
add a comment

EDITORIAL DISCLAIMER:

THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS TERRIBLE PUNS THAT DEVIATE FROM THE TYPICAL IHEARDITDOWNTOWN PG-13 AUDIENCE.  IF YOU ARE MORE MATURE THAN A 15 YEAR OLD BOY, SKIP THIS ARTICLE AND READ THE ONE MATT STRUHAR WROTE ABOUT GAZA INSTEAD.

****

****

****

****

****

****

“Dude, pause the game for a second. You gotta see this headline”
“Wait, is this the Onion? Is this a joke?”
“No man. Its real. Porn Industry asks for 5 Billion Federal Bailout”
“Man, I kinda thought the Porn Industry was built to withstand a pounding. Why would they need a bailout?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty confused too. I kinda figured industries like porn were pretty recession-proof. People will always need something to get them through…hard times”
“Like beer and cigs huh? If those are failing, I guess we’re all pretty screwed.”

“yeah. What do you think though? Should we help ‘em out? The Porn industry might be too big to fail”
“You may be right. Think of all the jobs that might be lost!”
“I have to wonder if maybe this approach was too direct.”
“Are you suggesting they should have attempted some sort of reach around?”
“Maybe. Maybe they’re just being too anal about this whole thing.”
“On the other hand, can you really trust them with that much money? They might steal it all and pull out early”
“haha, these aren’t your father’s puns. These are PornoPuns!”
“Actually, these are exactly the kind of puns my dad would have made.”

“On a serious note here, why on earth would the porno industry need 5 billion dollars? I’m thinking here, and I can’t envision any kind of expense that would justify that. People don’t see adult movies for the CGI graphics and expansive scenery right?”
“I doubt it. You don’t really need to pay for top-flight writing talent here either I imagine. Where in their business model would you need 5 billion bucks? I mean, besides Joe Francis’ legal defense fund? Larry Flynt’s Viagra?”
“I’m going to do some research”
“Not on my computer you’re not!”

“I’m pretty sure Flynt and Francis were kidding about this whole thing right? I mean, I’m not really an expert on this sort of thing, but I’m pretty sure Francis is a felon. These people aren’t really model citizens”
“Yeah, thats all true, but when you compare it to other recent government expenditures, is it really that crazy anymore? I’d rather take my chances with a pervert like Francis than forking over more billions to AIG and Co. without any accountability.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Mindless self-gratification without any regard to possible consequences. Maybe Porn and Congress aren’t so different after all. They deserve this.”
“Yeah, its not like they aren’t both full of asses.”

Memo From the Travel Desk: Madison Memories December 23, 2008

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
Tags: , , , , ,
1 comment so far

Coming back to visit my family in Madison has reminded me of some of the things that I miss…having free laundry less than an hour away, emergency food rations, my little sister’s hipness and jokes, etc. It also brought to my attention one thing that I absolutely do NOT miss…and thats our stupid family dog Sammy.

I never wanted the dog in the first place. We had cats a few times, and that was okay, because cats are cute, and more importantly, poop in the same place (hopefully, where you tell it to poop). If you don’t want to go for a walk at 2 AM, thats cool, the cat doesn’t want to either. In fact, the cat would like to claw your face at the very suggestion. However, my dad was dead set on having a canine companion, and my mother tragically capitulated. My Dad did an okay job with taking care of him, but now we’re stuck with him (well, more accurately, my mom is stuck with him. Succkaaaaaaaa!)

Sammy may be cute, but only spending a few moments with him reminded me of every reason why I couldn’t stand his company. He has no respect for things like personal space (I missed too Sammy, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to try and french kiss me. I’m not that kind of guy), or personal property (My church shoes are not chew toys!). He jumps on my mom’s couches, barks at every rodent and bird that invades our airspace, and apparently terrorizes the neighbors. His delinquency has gotten so bad, that my mom felt she needed to get outside help. She went out and hired a dog trainer, who stopped by the house last night.  

Anyways, apparently, when the dog is “bad”, the proper thing to do is stand up and yell BAAAHG at him. The louder and more guttural…the better. Apparently, I undermined the whole process terribly when I burst out laughing in the middle of the trainer’s 4th BAAAAHG or so. My little sister’s heart really isn’t in it either. When the dog gets on the couch, she can only muster a “baah”, before snuggling up with him. I’m having some trouble with it too. Who can feel like a tough guy making angry sheep sounds at something that looks like a poodle?

After a rousing bout of BAAAHGing at the guy, I took him out for a walk to the local bike path, so he could stretch his legs and use the bathroom. The walk is only a few blocks, but I feel like it tells me virtually everything I need to know about Madison.

First, Madison is cold….not cold like Columbus, or your freezer, or your ex-girlfriend. I’m talking a level of cold that few have ever experienced. Within a few instants of stepping outside with the dog, I felt a strange constricting sensation in my nose. Apparently, my nose hairs had frozen, and my ears and the rest of my exposed skin weren’t far behind. For my sake, I hope Sammy didn’t need to read a newspaper or anything before we went, or I’d become a human Popsicle.

We struggled through the 17+ inches of snow that had been dumped on us the night before to get to the bike path…I was struggling because I don’t own any boots, and Sammy was hurting even more, because he might not be 17 inches tall. Every snow drift was a mountain that required him to launch himself into the air like a pole vaulter. I almost felt bad for him…I’d be poorly behaved too I guess if I had to climb a mountain every time I wanted to take a leak in the winter.

Finally, we get to the bike path, where I can let the little guy run amok for a while, sniffing every patch of yellow snow, and adding his own masterstrokes. I got out my phone and tried to call my girlfriend, only to discover that I barely get one bar of service here in the frozen tundra. Coupled with the nasty winter winds, this lead to me only understanding every other word….the whole thing could have made a wonderful commercial.. (waitwait, did you just say you rented some porn movies with Ben??…..Who’s Ben?!?!? Hello??)

While I was focusing all of my energies on my poor phone…I neglected to notice that stupid Sammy had managed to wrap my legs completely with his leash…and was now about to break into a dead sprint. He took off, I slipped on a patch of ice, and just like that, flew 4 feet into the air and smashed into the snow, with my cell phone skittering down the path. I could barely make out some frantic sounds from the phone (No no, I said FOREIGN films with Jen! Hello? Can you hear me?!) before it cut out. Curse you Verizon Networks, Curse you Sammy, and Curse you Al Gore!! Where is your global warming when I need it?

Dragging me out into the tundra, where I’m certain to catch pneumonia or other tragic illnesses isn’t enough huh? Eating my shoes and my old playstation games wasn’t good enough for you? Now you have to rob me of my dignity, cell phone minutes, and part of my right hip?

BAAAAAAGH! BAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Maybe I just wasn’t putting my heart into it.

Final Christmas List: Letter to Santa December 15, 2008

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

Dear Santa,

Hows it going big guy? I know, I know, I haven’t written to you in a while. There was a rumor going around that you aren’t actually real, and I gotta admit, my faith faltered a little bit. I dunno, maybe there just seems to be a little more Christmas spirit going around this year, or maybe I’m still hopped up on residual Obama HOPES AND DREAMs…whatever the reason, I figured I ought to drop you a line this year.

I hear the economy has been rough on the ol’ North Pole. Your factory isn’t going to get foreclosed right? You hang on for just a few more years big guy, and I promise, when I pass the bar, I’ll take care of you, free of charge. Hey, I haven’t forgotten that Sega Genesis you got for me years ago. Best days of my 4th grade life right there.

Speaking of lawyers, I’m going to claim I’ve been “nice”, but I think i’ll be wise for us to discuss the specifics there in private (or maybe with my attorney). Not that I think that will be necessary or anything…but my mom has the internet now, and she prob. reads these things. I’m sure you understand.

I’ll be level with you, that stuff I’ve been writing about for the last week? Those were jokes… I already got just about everything I wanted for Christmas a few weeks ahead of time. My guy won the presidential election. I have a new job that allows to work in a cause that I’m passionate about. I have a beautiful girlfriend. It would be pretty cheeky to actually, you know…ask for more stuff right?

But thats what these letters are all about I guess. File this one under low priority…but if you a get a second, if you could take care of some of these….it would be awesome.

1) Maybe you could use some of your Christmas Magic to make the COTA buses run on time. I know, when the bus says it’ll be here at 12:37, and it rolls up at 12:43, thats not a huge difference…but thats 6 more min that I have to spend in agony in the freezing cold. You’ve seen me before right? You know I don’t shiver in the cold…I practically have epileptic convulsions. Its not pretty. Don’t leave me out to dry there waiting for the #4 any longer than I have to.

2) Somewhere out there, there is a kid begging for a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas, but his mom won’t let him…something about poking an eye out. Santa is for giving the gifts mommy and daddy wont’t let us have. Give the kid the gun. It’ll make his year.

3) If you can’t convince Lebron James that he really wants to stay in Cleveland in 2010, then use some Christmas Magic, and help the Cleveland Cavs win the NBA title this season. Have you been reading the newspapers lately? The industrial midwest is wilting away before our eyes…and Cleveland sports have already been cursed at a level not seen since the Old Testament. We know real economic help isn’t coming soon…so a welcome, basketball-related diversion would do wonders for our saddened spirits.

4) You know how when you forget to buy groceries for a while, and you keep compulsively opening up your fridge door, hoping that some Grocery Fairy came and left you some food? Could you maybe make that actually happen, just once?

5) Socks. I’m not talking bulletproof socks, or jet-powered socks…just regular ol’ socks. Maybe some white socks, some black socks, whatever. I know, its proof that I’m getting old and lame Santa, but my socks seem to vanish on the route back from the washing machine at an alarming clip, and its critical to have your feet warm in the winter. The Christmas that I ask for socks instead of say, an Xbox means I’m officially grown up I think.

Honestly, thats all I can think of. If you stop by the apartment this Christmas, be sure to park your sled on 20th ave, and not in my lot. Sorry, my landlord is kind of a douchebag, and unless you have the right parking pass, he will tow it. I don’t think I have any cookies and milk for you, but there might be some rum in the freezer, and you can help yourself to some of that. I know, you’ve got a long trip, and you gotta stay warm. Its not like I’M going to drink it.

Also…yeah. If you have any extra jetpacks…maybe I wasn’t kidding about everything

Give my best to the Mrs, and have a wonderful Christmas

Your friend

Matt

And with that, I’m off to the Igloo. Have a merry Christmas everybody.

Christmas List: Robotic Journalism Edition December 13, 2008

Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.
Tags: , , ,
add a comment

As I was surfing around the internet, looking around for another outlandish item to put on my list, I ran across this article on Fox News. Everybody should stop what they’re doing and read it. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,465844,00.html

Now, I don’t want you guys to get the wrong idea. I do NOT want a robot girlfriend for Christmas. I may be a sad, dorky nerd…but I am not anywhere CLOSE to that dorky (or creepy! I mean…seriously). Rather, for Christmas, I want to be the kind of journalist that gets to interview dorks like that. If working for Fox News means I get the Robot Girlfriend stories, I’m turning in my Liberal Elite Media press pass right now, and signing up for Rubert’s Army.

Lets break down this story together. Here’s the lead paragraph
Le Trung, a 33-year-old software engineer who lives with his parents in Brampton, Ontario, a suburb of Toronto, says he’s spent about $20,000 so far on Aiko, a 5-foot-tall female android with clear skin, a slim if shapely figure and a wonderful disposition.

Wait, a computer engineer who dropped 20 grand on a chick robot lives with his parents?!?. I’m shocked. But wait, this gets so much better

“She can recognize faces, she can identify medication, she can even butter your toast,” Le Trung tells the Toronto Globe and Mail. “Aiko is what happens when science meets beauty,” Le Trung tells the Sun of London. “Aiko doesn’t need holidays, food or rest, and will work almost 24 hours a day. She is the perfect woman.”

So he’s developmentally challenged, drops obscene amounts of money on a fake chick, AND he’s a chauvinist! I love this guy rattling off the features here. Who doesn’t need somebody to be at your beck and call, to butter your toast? I waste way too much time toast buttering myself…I bet if I had somebody to do it for me, I’d save maybe an hour a year. AN HOUR. Thats worth a 20,000 investment for me. I wonder if he’s seeing a REAL lady. Lets find out!

“Aiko is still a virgin

Okay, so I’m gonna go ahead and say no to that then. See, this is when Serious Professional Journalist Matt would try to keep from laughing, put his arm around the guy, and say “Look. I’m never going to be confused with Casanova or anything, but lemme office you a little advice here…dude to dude. Until you learn to see women as more than medicine-retrieving, toast-buttering slaves…this robot is the only action you’re going to see.”

Whats that, you aren’t even getting robot action?

AND NO I do not sleep with her,” he writes on the Project Aiko Web site, though he admits that she “has sensors in her body including her private parts, and yes even down there.”

hahahahaha! What 33 year old says “even down there?” I bet he was giggling and blushing the whole time. I might expect that sort of thing from my 3rd graders next year, but a grown man?

He shot a video of his little robot too…watch, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3l6buDfU9AY) about 1:30 in, he tries to grab her plastic boob, and she smacks him! Shot down by his own robot! Forget Iraq. These are the stories that America needs to hear, and I need to be the person bringing it to them.

Wow. Just….wow.