I Heard it Downtown

If the wailing and gnashing of teeth of my friends is any indication, we’ve apparently been struck by another national tragedy. No, the economy didn’t crash again, and nobody died (well, except Michael Steele’s career apparently). It looks like Facebook went and changed their layout again.

I’m sure Facebook has all sorts of important and expensive consultants who have all sorts of good reasons (no doubt spelled out professionally on Powerpoints, without those distracting slide transitions with the dumb sound effects) to edit the layout of Facebook every couple of months, but I can’t think of any. Most people I know preferred the old layout. Then Facebook changed it, we all whined and joined facebook groups to show just how serious we were about this…but then most of us got over it. Does anybody know anybody who said “I like Facebook, but this layout is too much for me. I quit”. Or more importantly, does anybody know anybody who said “This layout is awesome. I didn’t want a facebook before, but suddenly now I need one. I plan on sending facebook a check to show how excited I am”.

Like the legendary basketball player Charles Oakley said, “If it ain’t broke. Don’t break it”. Why does Facebook insist on breaking stuff?

It isn’t like the Facebook achieved total perfection the first time…far from it. I just don’t think the “layout” is the breaking point for anybody. If I was in charge of Facebook for a day, I would leave the layout alone. It’s fine. I would go after the real menace….the ad generator on the side of your page.

In theory, facebook is supposed to generate ads that are particularity relevant to you, based on all the info you stuck up on your page. In practice though, its annoying as hell.

Back when I was single, Facebook decided that should try to help. I’d glance at my wall, laugh at the funny joke a friend had written, the glance at the side of my profile to see “GIRLS WON’T DATE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO FAT! CLICK HERE TO LEARN HOW TO GET RIPPED!!”

Now, I’m a lot of things, but fat isn’t one of them. How depressing is it to have your computer call you fat though? Couldn’t it see my profile picture? Does facebook assume that everybody who is single is fat? Thanks Facebook.

If it wasn’t ads that were taking potshots at my personal appearance, I was getting singles ads. Not one or two…but dozens, imploring me to just click “there”, and the computer would introduce me to dozens of “girls next door” that were dying to meet me. I had a hard time believing that facebook was being totally honest with me though…they were using the same picture of Kim Kardashian under the header “Meet Girls Next Door!”. I think I would notice if Kim lived next door to me, Facebook.

Facebook also would sometimes show singles services that had absolutely nothing to do with anything on my profile. I often got MEET MUSLIM SINGLES ads. Did Facebook get Mormon and Muslim mixed up again (wouldn’t be the first time)? I don’t have anything against Muslims, but I’m curious to know where I gave off the impression that I was specifically looking to date one? I got them for Catholics, Asians, and my personal favorite, “Big beautiful People just like you”. Really facebook? I’m going to go log off and go running now.

When I finally changed my relationship status to “in a relationship”, I was pretty excited about the prospect of having the side of my profile free from singles ads. Weirdly enough, for a long time, that didn’t happen! I still got dating service website ads, at only a slightly slower clip.

The weirdest thing was that they were all virtually for the same service…a “Meet Christian Girls” website. This was hysterically ironic on a lot of levels. Was a Christian website trying to get me to cheat on my girlfriend? Was Facebook making a really subtle Mormon polygamy joke? If thats the case…thats not funny.

Actually, thats not true. It would be really funny.

Anyways, a few weeks ago, the singles ads finally stopped. Now, Facebook has done a complete about-face, and  is trying to peddle engagement rings to me.

Facebook. I know we’re friends and all…but don’t try to give me advice on my love life anymore. Go back to showing me pictures of cats with funny, grammatically incorrect captions.

There are actually lots of other things that could be improved (beefing up the note writing system for sure, allowing more flexibility in content fields, etc), but the ad generator is one of the biggest needs. It’s the worst thing to happen to Facebook since Werewolves and Vampires.

It’s certainly a more pressing need than “hey, we haven’t done anything in a while. Lets rearrange all the the buttons and see if anybody notices”.