CSPAN THE MUSICAL-Volume I February 11, 2009
Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.Tags: Economy, Humor, Obama, Politics
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resident Obama is sitting at his desk. His tie is loosened, and he is obviously stressed
OBAMA:
My first day in office certainly wasn’t that hard
The only hiccup was Roberts inability to read from a card
but now crisis are mounting, folks are beating down my door
this certainly wasn’t the change I had hoped for.
The media is pounding me, and I can’t relax
because nobody I hired paid all their taxes.
Then the economy descended into insanity,
and my idiot press sec said I’d grab beers with Sean Hannity
Hopefully my stimulus bill can get some momentum flowing
Lemme check CSPAN and see how thats going…
Cut to: PELOSI’S OFFICE
Nancy Pelosi is meeting with her staffers, and other high level Democratic House members. They are giddily throwing around monopoly money.
PELOSI:
When we asked for children’s insurance, they laughed in our face
but now I’m in charge, and we’ll put the GOP back in it’s place
to hell with bipartisanship, they didn’t show any here
so lets load this bill up with our wishlist from the last 8 years!
Guys? What are your problems?
INTERN
In a few months, me and my girlfriend are having a baby
and we’re worried about money, since you really don’t pay me
PELOSI: 300 MILLION FOR PLANNED PARENTHOOD!!
AIDE
I’ve finally got some time off, but I don’t know what to do
since i’ve already watched everything in my Netflicks queue
PELOSI:
ANOTHER 600 MILLION FOR HOLLYWOOD!!
OTHER AIDE
Oh, I have something that requires me to vent
I hit a pothole driving to work, now my BMW has a dent!
PELOSI: (clearly drunk with power)
ELVENTY BILLION BUCKS TO BUILD NEW ROADS! Bwahaha
CUT TO: Republican Meeting
CANTOR: For 8 years we spent money like drunken fools
and hoped that nobody would notice, or read the news
now we’re hopelessly out of power, so its time to pretend
that we know anything about how to responsibly spend
BOEHNER: Let us make the most outlandish statements we can make on the floor!
Its easy to take a stand, when you don’t matter anymore!
Mike Huckabee: I sent out a letter to everybody on my mailing list
saying this bill is an abomination, and its making God pissed
Mitt Romney: I’m against this bill too! It’s certainly no fun
it gives no money at all to any company I run
Glenn Beck: LOOOOUD NOISES! I DONT KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!
(cut to: Obama, facepalming)
OBAMA: I thought my first 100 days were supposed to be a honeymoon?
If its all going to be just like this, I hope its 2012 soon….
Changing up V Day February 9, 2009
Posted by Matt Brown in Uncategorized.Tags: Humor, Ohio, Valentine's day
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I might catch some flack for this, but I really don’t like Valentine’s Day at all.
Now hear me out, this isn’t for any of the typical reasons. It isn’t because I’m some bitter single guy…I’m happily in a relationship, but I wasn’t bitter on Valentine Days past when I wasn’t. On the contrary, it allowed me to get all sorts of cheap candy the day or two after (and who doesn’t like cheap candy?)
It isn’t because I disprove of the materialism of the holiday either. So Hallmark and Buckeye Flowers get to make a few extra bucks over the weekend. We’re in a recession here people. Not only is it our obligation as boyfriends to buy stuff over Valentine’s day, its just flat out patriotic.
No, it isn’t the day itself that I have a problem with. It’s when we have it. There isn’t a worse possible time for a romantic holiday than in the middle of February, especially when you live in Central Ohio.
I mean, have any of you guys been outside these past few days? The sky has been gray for what seems like 13 consecutive days. The trees, grass, everything is barren and devoid of life. Its also cold, windy, and half of the sidewalks are still covered in ice. I’ve fallen down maybe a dozen times on the way to class these past few weeks. Sorry we couldn’t do dinner this weekend…I’m stuck at OSU hospital cause I broke my hip on Waldeck. Great.
Plus, this is the middle of flu season! Everybody has been battling that same case of the sniffles for about 6 weeks. When people are taking about sharing things with your loved ones, they typically aren’t talking about the flu. Some things are best kept to yourself.
It all seems like quite a predicament, but I’m a solutions orientated guy, and I have an idea. Why not just move Valentine’s Day to say, early June?
Everybody is in a much better mood in June. The sun comes back out, and we can all shake off our lingering Seasonal Affective Disorder. We aren’t sick anymore, and it’ll be warm enough to do things outside, creating more possibilities for fun Valentine’s Day activities. Plus, June isn’t a big holiday month. A quick Google search shows me that we have Father’s Day, Flag Day, and then a bunch of made up holidays in those first two weeks (national ballpoint pen day? Seriously? I bet we can squeeze Valentine’s Day in there somewhere). This works out better for everybody.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go down a shot of DayQuil. . I got make sure I’m healthy by this weekend.
