I Heard it Downtown

Coming back to visit my family in Madison has reminded me of some of the things that I miss…having free laundry less than an hour away, emergency food rations, my little sister’s hipness and jokes, etc. It also brought to my attention one thing that I absolutely do NOT miss…and thats our stupid family dog Sammy.

I never wanted the dog in the first place. We had cats a few times, and that was okay, because cats are cute, and more importantly, poop in the same place (hopefully, where you tell it to poop). If you don’t want to go for a walk at 2 AM, thats cool, the cat doesn’t want to either. In fact, the cat would like to claw your face at the very suggestion. However, my dad was dead set on having a canine companion, and my mother tragically capitulated. My Dad did an okay job with taking care of him, but now we’re stuck with him (well, more accurately, my mom is stuck with him. Succkaaaaaaaa!)

Sammy may be cute, but only spending a few moments with him reminded me of every reason why I couldn’t stand his company. He has no respect for things like personal space (I missed too Sammy, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to try and french kiss me. I’m not that kind of guy), or personal property (My church shoes are not chew toys!). He jumps on my mom’s couches, barks at every rodent and bird that invades our airspace, and apparently terrorizes the neighbors. His delinquency has gotten so bad, that my mom felt she needed to get outside help. She went out and hired a dog trainer, who stopped by the house last night.  

Anyways, apparently, when the dog is “bad”, the proper thing to do is stand up and yell BAAAHG at him. The louder and more guttural…the better. Apparently, I undermined the whole process terribly when I burst out laughing in the middle of the trainer’s 4th BAAAAHG or so. My little sister’s heart really isn’t in it either. When the dog gets on the couch, she can only muster a “baah”, before snuggling up with him. I’m having some trouble with it too. Who can feel like a tough guy making angry sheep sounds at something that looks like a poodle?

After a rousing bout of BAAAHGing at the guy, I took him out for a walk to the local bike path, so he could stretch his legs and use the bathroom. The walk is only a few blocks, but I feel like it tells me virtually everything I need to know about Madison.

First, Madison is cold….not cold like Columbus, or your freezer, or your ex-girlfriend. I’m talking a level of cold that few have ever experienced. Within a few instants of stepping outside with the dog, I felt a strange constricting sensation in my nose. Apparently, my nose hairs had frozen, and my ears and the rest of my exposed skin weren’t far behind. For my sake, I hope Sammy didn’t need to read a newspaper or anything before we went, or I’d become a human Popsicle.

We struggled through the 17+ inches of snow that had been dumped on us the night before to get to the bike path…I was struggling because I don’t own any boots, and Sammy was hurting even more, because he might not be 17 inches tall. Every snow drift was a mountain that required him to launch himself into the air like a pole vaulter. I almost felt bad for him…I’d be poorly behaved too I guess if I had to climb a mountain every time I wanted to take a leak in the winter.

Finally, we get to the bike path, where I can let the little guy run amok for a while, sniffing every patch of yellow snow, and adding his own masterstrokes. I got out my phone and tried to call my girlfriend, only to discover that I barely get one bar of service here in the frozen tundra. Coupled with the nasty winter winds, this lead to me only understanding every other word….the whole thing could have made a wonderful commercial.. (waitwait, did you just say you rented some porn movies with Ben??…..Who’s Ben?!?!? Hello??)

While I was focusing all of my energies on my poor phone…I neglected to notice that stupid Sammy had managed to wrap my legs completely with his leash…and was now about to break into a dead sprint. He took off, I slipped on a patch of ice, and just like that, flew 4 feet into the air and smashed into the snow, with my cell phone skittering down the path. I could barely make out some frantic sounds from the phone (No no, I said FOREIGN films with Jen! Hello? Can you hear me?!) before it cut out. Curse you Verizon Networks, Curse you Sammy, and Curse you Al Gore!! Where is your global warming when I need it?

Dragging me out into the tundra, where I’m certain to catch pneumonia or other tragic illnesses isn’t enough huh? Eating my shoes and my old playstation games wasn’t good enough for you? Now you have to rob me of my dignity, cell phone minutes, and part of my right hip?

BAAAAAAGH! BAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Maybe I just wasn’t putting my heart into it.