I Heard it Downtown

A lot of the gifts I’ve mentioned so far are pretty unrealistic. Some of them aren’t even technically “for sale”, like that Jetpack (which means if you really love me…you’ll steal me one for Christmas). This next gift idea is something that is apparently very much on the open market, and would mean more to me than any of these comically over the top nerd toys.

That’s right. I’m talking about the Democratic US Senate seat in Illinois.

I know what you’re thinking right now. “Matt, you are not constitutionally allowed to take that seat. You’re only 21 years old, and you don’t even come close to meeting the residency requirements…and if it came down to it, we could probably come up with a crazy legal theory to show that you haven’t been a US Citizen for 9 years”. And you know what? You’re right. I don’t think I’ve spent more than 6 nights in Illinois in my entire life, and I am not 30 years old.

But you guys are missing the point here. If you can actually try to SELL A US SENATE SEAT with a straight face, anything is possible! Constitutional roadblocks are merely typos and technicalities in the way of my master plan of becoming Sen. Matt Brown (D-whatever state that will take me)

Quite frankly, I think this arrangement will work out best for everybody here, and I’m not just saying that because I want membership to the Senate gym (I might feel like a shrimp here in the Ohio State gym, but once I’m pumping iron next to Frank Lautenberg and Orin Hatch, I’m going to look like Jose freaking Canseco).

US Senators are often accused of being in the pocket of special interest groups, partly because of their business holdings. I won’t have that problem…I don’t own diddily squat. I’ll be the first US Senator with negative net worth (thank you student loans). I’ll never have to excuse myself from any bill because of a conflict of interest, unless we’ve voting on giving Mormons reparations or something.

As the junior senator from Illinois, I promise to take on the issues that nobody else wants to talk about. When everybody else is talking about boring issues, like bailouts for auto companies, I plan to investigate the BCS (I plan on voting NO on all auto bailout bills by the way. Those companies are in Michigan, and I don’t give a damn for the whole state of Michigan…cause I’m from O-HI-O). I’ll let my headline grabbing peers go after financial systems and the Middle East. I’ll set up subcommittees on textbook gouging, ATM fees, and getting an a la carte cable system (Seriously. Why am I paying for Lifetime and TLC, when I could be getting ESPN The Ocho. This is a national travesty). I’ll even throw the good people of Illinois a bone, and get Ron Zook and Gary Bettman arrested for something. I got your back guys.

Also, I promise to make C-SPAN watchable. I’m thinking bringing special musical guests to perform halfway through my speeches. Ladies and Gentlemen, before I continue my address on health care reform…please, put your hands together for THE JOHN MAYER TRIO WOOOOOOOO.

According to Jesse Jackson Jr, the going rate for US Senator is around a million bucks to Blaggo’s campaign/legal defense fund. Lets find a way to make this happen.