I Heard it Downtown

So I’m teaching elementary school next year in New Orleans with Teach For America. My teaching experience right now is limited to my foray as a summer instructor with the Granville High Marching Percussion Section ( the baddest thing in Licking County now that Bob Ney is in jail), and occasional forays into teaching sunday school (apparently, I’m bad at that. One of the 4th graders told me today “Matt, I like you, cause you and I are a lot alike. We’re both bad!”) Because of my inexperience with formal teaching, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about previous life experiences, to see if I can squeeze some good teaching lessons from them.

I worked for Teach For America last summer, at their training institute at Arizona State University. My job was to fix teacher’s laptops as they broke, give tech advice, and generally keep the whole institute from burning down. Perhaps my *biggest* job was to help run their massive computer lab, where frazzled teachers would come in after a long day of “teaching”, and would try to balance their need to do their next lesson plan with their desire to check facebook and get at least 3 hours of sleep. This led to some palatable tensions.

In order to lighten the mood a little, my co-workers and I had the brilliant idea to bring nerf-guns in the lab. At first, we used them to light up people who broke lab rules, but eventually, we loosened our ties, and let the teachers shoot at a target when they got too stressed. The nerf guns became a major hit, turning into an elaborate inside joke, and likely remains the number one reason TFA retained me to be an actual teacher next year. Nothing says Serious Professional like foam dart furry.

However, I’m 101% sure I can’t employ that same nerf-gun strategy for my 2nd grade class next year. If I brought in some nerf firepower, even just a little bit, my class would decent into anarchy so fast, we’d need to bring in UN Blue Helmets to try and bring order.

But what happens to my students then, when my classroom is turned into a warzone of flying foam darts? Lucky for me, my sister found the perfect thing. I bring to you, the next item on my Christmas Wish List..

http://www.bulletproofbaby.net/product_page_helmet.html

Yeah, thats exactly what you think it is. A 100% real riot helmet for babies. Apparently, you can order larger sizes for slightly older kids. It might not work if I’m teaching 6th grade or something, but first graders? It might just work.

Seriously, look at the rest of this website. They sell Baby Bomb Blankets, Tasers for Toddlers, and more. I don’t know if this is completely awesome, or absolutely terrible. They have a video of a bulletproof stroller…where its being demonstrated ON A REAL BABY. A mom puts her REAL, LIVE, BREATHING KID in the stroller, closes the door, and unloads like 3 clips from automatic weapon on it…then takes the kid out. Its not some sick outtake from a movie, thats the real McCoy. How is that legal? Somebody should do something.

But until somebody does, the world remains a dangerous place, ’specially for people who are too small to fit into my bulletproof Polo shirt. Thats why its critical I have some of these little-man riot gear sets, to help protect everybody.