I Heard it Downtown

” around 9 in the morning, my day didn’t really start until around 2, when I first left my “ESPN Lair” and poked around outside. It was perfect midwestern weather. The sky was blue, but also heavy with steely gray clouds. The trees that surround our streets were either exploding into orange and brown, or lay naked after doing so last week. There was a just enough of a breeze to make wearing a sweatshirt necessary…but not a parka. Everything made me want to grab a football, and run down 15th Ave, looking for somebody to tackle. I used my ol’ impulse control (have you seen me? I couldn’t tackle an 8th grader), and decided to head down Lane Ave, towards campus, to further survey the situation.

The Lane Ave party was in full force. Every other house or apartment building had dozens of scarlet-jersey clad party-goers out on the lawn…some lazily tossing footballs, others engaged in the Columbus tradition of cornhole (which is kind of a poor man’s version of horseshoes, only with beanbags), and others just pounding Natty Light. What was unusual to me is not that so many people were outside partying, but how many of them weren’t students. It wasn’t just freshman milling around, but their parents, and without a trace of irony! I lost track of the middle aged women I saw sipping cheap beer from red cups while 20 year old guys zipped footballs around them. I hope they’re all related….

As Lane moves from the off-campus hovels, and towards campus, the party becomes more and more organized. A mini festival, called “Hineygate” (no, I don’t know why either) is set up outside of a Holiday Inn, with a beer garden, live music, and all manner of fried foods. Here, nary a student can be found…the party is almost exclusively townies, alumni and “too old for college” folk, milling around drinking while a classic rock band butchers ACDC in the background. Not my scene.

Which is okay, because then it was about time to meet some guys and girls from APO for one of the coolest Ohio State rituals, the pre-game TBDBITL Skull Session Concert, at the venerable St.John Arena.

TBDBITL stands for The Best Damn Band In The Land, a title that the Ohio State Marching Band unquestionably holds (TBDBITL has yet to get blown out by an SEC team in a big game). A few hours before each home game, the band gives a free concert in the ol’ John, along with a top local high school band. I’m a Marching Band Guy at heart, so these concerts are always great for me. Whatever frustrations or misgivings I might have towards the university melt away when I’m arm in arm with my fraternity brothers (who, because I’m in APO, are almost exclusively pretty girls. Yeah, I know its weird), singing Carmen Ohio, our Alma Mater, and screaming like crazy for a Tuba Player. Ohio State’s offense may be vanilla and boring sometimes (ok, all the time), but their band is always something else.

The show ends, and we head up to the Horseshoe, Ohio State’s stadium, to watch our beloved Buckeyes. Even though I’m a Senior, I have terrible seats…about three rows from the very top of the 105,000 capacity stadium. We joke that we’re in a different zipcode up there. I don’t actually mind being that high up though…we can see the whole field fine, and we’re far away from the fatcat corporate sponsors who wouldn’t know what quarter we’re in, let alone clap and make some noise. The band finishes their pregame, and OSU and Penn St start to battle.

Despite having perhaps two of the most dynamic offensive players in the country in Pryor and Wells, Ohio State’s offense is well…offensive. Me and my buddy Sean compensate for the total lack of offensive production by getting disproportionately excited over routine Special Teams plays. Are we punting? We’re chest bumping. Are we in kickoff coverage? We jumping and screaming. Heaven help us when we actually kick a field goal…we’re jumping into rows of strangers, hugging and high fiving everybody in sight. We’re getting quite a following in our section…its hilarious, I promise. Why go for touchdowns when we can PUNT AND GET BACK ON SPECIAL TEAMS??!?!

OSU gives us…Special Teamers plenty to be excited about, taking a slim 6-3 lead into the 4th quarter. The game has been nearly devoid of highlight plays, so this exchange might have taken the cake…

Me: (after an OSU first down was overturned by the officials), I AM SICK OF THIS ACTIVIST REFS! Guys, we need to stop this legislating from the official’s box, and let the players play the way that God intended! WE NEED STRICT CONSTRUCTIONIST REFEREES!!
Drunk Fan 1: *burps*
Drunk Fan 2: ….
Drunk Fan 3: ….FUCK PENN STATE!!!!

Yeah. Sometimes its hard.

Anyways, we’re all getting pretty excited in the 4th quarter, as we still have that slim three point lead, and we’re driving down the field, milking the clock. Suddenly, disaster strikes. Our prize quarterback fumbles the ball, and Penn St takes over at the OSU 35. A few min later, and Penn State suddenly ahas a 13-6 lead, with less than a min. left. I leave my fellow Buckeye fans, and head for my long walk home.

Could the Buckeyes mount a courageous comeback and win the game? Sure. But I’m an Ohio Sports fan, which means more heartbreak than normal people can stand (The Drive? The Fumble? 2006-2007 BCS Title Games? JOSE FREAKING MESA?? I gotta stop…I’m going to throw up). I lacked faith. My buddy Sean stayed, and I hit the pavement.

But as soon as I left the stadium, I could fear the roar of the crowd behind me. I ran to the nearest TV I could find, which was set up for some corporate tailgate party, to watch the last min or so. What happened? Allow me to switch my baseball cap and OSU jersey for a tweed jacket and poet’s cap…

Things did not look so hot
For the Buckeye 11 that day.
The score stood 13-6
with but 1 min left to play
and with Mo Well’s being awful
and Beanie turning up lame
the odds were just not that good
that OSU would win the game.

But suddenly Hartline made a catch
and Robiske did the same
and a long, chain moving run
was done by Brandon Saine.
The men in red were driving
and erasing all our doubts
that with 35 seconds we somehow
might find a way to pull this out

Now somewhere folks are happy
and pretty girls dance and sing
Somewhere folks laugh, and have a brew
and victory bells ring
Somewhere there is peace and joy
and nobody there is sick
but there is no joy in Columbus
Mighty Pryor thew a pick.