I Heard it Downtown

After the last two fairly depressing debates, I really wasn’t planning on watching this one. My plan was to sit down with a mason jar  full of root beer, (Its a fact. Root beer tastes better when consumed from a mason jar. I just read about it in Nature) a bag of chips, and perhaps the Phillies/Dodgers playoff game…or a book…maybe some Spanish homework. In the end though, like a moth is drawn to the deadly glare of the bug zapper, I was drawn in.

And so, the final chapter of our 4 part political theater begins. Let the stupid fly.

John McCain was kind enough to let college students everywhere know what today’s debate drinking codeword is going to be right from the start. Me and my buddies were counting, and he said
a) voters are angry
b) he’s a reformer

maybe 8 times total in his opening statement. Drink up!

The ritual song and dance about the candidate’s tax plans is next (I’ll cut taxes for 95% of workers. Obama will raise your taxes. Nuh uh. Yes huh. You’re stupid. I’m taking my kickball and going home. etc.) was changed up a little bit with the inclusion of “Joe the Plumber” from Ohio…who seemed to get more face time than the poor moderator.

Okay, this just dawned on me, thanks to my new glorious HDTV. WHERE IS JOHN MCCAIN’S FLAG PIN?!? I see Obama’s, but McCain doesn’t have one. I’m sure Bill Ayers stole it on the way in or something.

Also, I’m being really distracted by John Mccain’s body language here. When Obama mentioned a Fox News focus group, McCain jumped like somebody grabbed his depends. He interrupts, grins nervously, rolls his eyes, and is basically a big, jittery mess. I’ve been trying to try this to Gore’s eye rolls in the 2000 debates, but I don’t think anybody here remembers the body language from a presidential debate 8 years ago. I need a hobby, or a girlfriend, or something.

I’m enjoying this discussion of the ugly catcalls at McCain events. McCain calls his attendees “great citizens”. Well…except for the racist and hateful ones I guess. Kill him!

Okay, now we’re getting up to my absolute favorite moment of the debate. Bob asks the two to defend their VP choices. Obama goes on and discusses the experience of Biden, his credentials, etc.

John McCain called Sarah Palin “A breast of fresh air”. er, “I mean a breath of fresh ass”. I mean..er..crap. I don’t even think McCain believes in Palin anymore. Bring back Dan Quayle!

Also, seriously, who the crap says “Cockamamie”? That word went extinct like 30 years ago. I’m praying that McCain does a PSA trying to appeal to young voters and says things like “Rad”.

The two continue the blah blah dance on free trade, education, health care, etc…but I honestly can’t focus. I can’t take my eyes off McCain’s facial expressions. He’s a non-stop comedy show. Forget anything I’ve ever written…if you want some great political humor, watch tonight’s debate with the sound off. His eyes bugged out so much after Obama started talking about Columbia Free Trade, I thought I had switched to the Cartoon Network by mistake.  Craaaaap…he really does know about Latin America….

If you were looking for insight, you turned to the wrong place (both in the debate, which is always an exercise in talking points, and this note). By this point, anybody who is only *kind* of paying attention ought to have a basic understanding of where both of these guys stand on the important issues. I honestly can’t understand why anybody would be undecided at this point. Where do they keep getting people for focus groups?

At any rate, we have all the ammo we need. Time to follow ol’ Bob’s advice…and go vote. It’ll make you big and strong. Or something.